Listening jokes
A man with a gun and a sword walks into a bar, sees a girl, and falls in love with her.
Man: "Hey, you are one beautiful girl. Will you be my girlfriend?"
Girl: "No, because you have a gun and a sword."
Man: "But I am already in love with you."
And then the man leaves to get the girl flowers and candy.
The girl is glad that he has gone, until thirty minutes later, when he shows up again.
Man: "Here are some flowers for you, beautiful girl."
And the girl throws the flowers in his face, and then everyone in the bar laughs, even the bartender.
Man: "And here is some candy."
And the girl throws the candy in his face, and everyone in the bar laughs again, and some teenagers walking down the street see it as well, and then they start laughing too.
One of the teenagers says "Hahaha, that is so funny. Seeing a man give a girl candy, and the girl throwing it in his face to show him that she hates him."
Girl: "I hate you, ugly man!"
Man: "Bartender, can I get some candy for my girl?"
The bartender laughs when he hears that, and then he says "Are you crazy? We don't serve-"
And then the man shoots the bartender with his gun and stabs him with his sword. An old man walking down the street can't believe what he just saw, so he calls the police to arrest the man who killed the bartender.
999 Service Guy: "999, what's your emergency?"
Old man: "I just walked past a bar, and I saw a man shoot and stab the bartender. Can you please get the police to arrest him? Tell them he is the man with a gun and a sword in his bag."
999 Service Guy: "Okay, no worries."
1 Hour later, the first man tries to dance the tango with the girl, and the girl kicks him in the leg, and then he tries to kiss her, and she punches him in the face.
Guy sitting at a table in the bar: "That man is crazy. Trying to kiss a girl who hates him."
And the police show up.
First Policeman: "Which man has a gun and a sword in his bag?"
The girl points to the man and says "This man."
Second Policeman: "Let's arrest him."
Man: "No, wait! I can explain."
Third Policeman: "Get in the back of the car."
When the police get to the Police Station with the man, the first policeman says "You will stay in prison for 10 years."
One week later, the man breaks the bars and escapes prison.
The police see him and run after him.
Third Policeman: "Come back here!"
The man doesn't listen, and he keeps running, so the police shoot him and he dies.
And instead of saying rest in peace on his gravestone, it says rest in pieces.
Why are orphans not on this?
They don’t want to listen to the dumbos on here!
Why does Beethoven's music sound like hell sometimes?
Because he doesn't listen to it!
The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:
"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."
The commander starts answering:
"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"
"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"
"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"
After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:
"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"
What games would deaf people not be good at?
Simon says and Musical chairs.
how i feel listing to juice wrld
People with wheelchairs listen to "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele.
Someone telling a joke:
Boy: "My parents are dead."
Girl: "My grandad is too."
Orphan who listened to it: "That joke is dead!"
Person who told the joke: "So is your family!"
So I was at home, and I went to take a shower, and I accidentally walked in on my brother having sex with some girl. So I left. A couple minutes later, I needed my headphones to listen to music, so I asked my mom where she was. She told me she was in the shower. Our house only has one bathroom. Sweet home Alabama.
Me: (pointing up in the air) "Everybody listen up, this is a robbery!"
Girl: "Dude, this is a library."
Me: "Oh." (screwing on a silencer)
For all those Simpsons fans out there, this one I'm sure you know:
Abe: "It's rotten being old. No one listens to you."
Lisa: "It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you."
Homer: "I'm a white male, aged 18-49. Everyone listens to me--no matter how dumb my suggestions are."
How did Helen Keller lose her virginity?
I told her the plunger was stuck in the toilet, but she didn’t listen...
I think democracy is a scam. I love men and I love you. I love men and I love you. I love my dog. He won't sleep inside and I shitted my pants. I peed my pants. I smell bad. I took a shower and my dog was like, "Oh my god." I was like, "Oh." I was like, "Oh my god," and then I was like, "I shitted again" and he was like, "Bark bark," cause he's a dog. Thanks for listening.
Eminem: "He don't even know his own father." Orphans: Dang, wish I could listen to that. Eminem: At least you have a rap God to call father.
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
Why does the heart listen to music a lot?
Because it loves feeling the beat.
Me: *listening to music under a tree and smiling*
Random person who sees me: Awwww look at him, he looks so so happy ^w^
Me: *actually listening to depressing music that makes me wanna kill and end myself but just smiles to show that everything's gonna be fine even if it won't*
"Do you want to hear a joke?"
"Yes."
"Okay, record yourself and then listen to it!"
Luisa: The ship doesn't swerve, as it heard how big the iceberg is.
Captain of the Titanic: Wait, what did you say?
3 minutes later:
Why didn't I listen to the strong one?
When fat people sit down at a restaurant, and you listen closely, you can hear the chair screaming.
POV you are drunk and telling jokes and no one is listening 😭😭😭