Life Jokes

My current love life is like a god. It’s not real.

I bought myself the life-sized Jesus painting off of Amazon, and they had 4 nails within the pack. All I needed was 1.

A hot woman is ready to jump from a bridge and commit suicide when an ugly, stinky homeless man comes up to her and tells her, "Oh baby, you so hot, let's fuck!"

She just yells, "Get the fuck away, you creep!"

He just laughs and says, "Alright, I'll wait down there."

Things I would’ve missed if my suicide attempt didn’t fail in 2020.

My attempt in 2021.

And my attempt this year.

"I'm sorry, Wendy, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."

A purple character with a mustache is standing in front of a background with a palm tree and an ocean. The text says: "What was your childhood like?"

I’m taken, taken my own life, bitch!

What did the suicidal guy say to his audience?

So, one day a teacher asked, "How many of you have thought of committing suicide?" Half of the class raised their hand, but the teacher said, "Where are Jesse and John?"

Guys, don’t put the Holocaust books in the fiction section, it was the worst mistake of my life!

Why did the crumb cake isolate himself? He had a crumbling social life.

Wanna hear a joke,my life hahahah just kidding jokes actually mean something...

"Rape[is] the only sign of world peace in this life."

I respect anyone who devotes their life to charity work.

But I think Paul Walker went a step too far.

A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."

you looking for jokes? i have one, your life

I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never come for me.

A 28-year-old medical student is auctioning off her virginity online.

For $300K, you can have the worst sex of your life.

Why can't an orphan play basketball?

Because no one will be cheering them on.

"I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"