Life jokes

I’m taken, taken my own life, bitch!

Things I would’ve missed if my suicide attempt didn’t fail in 2020.

My attempt in 2021.

And my attempt this year.

"I'm sorry, Wendy, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."

Guys, don’t put the Holocaust books in the fiction section, it was the worst mistake of my life!

What’s an orphan's favorite event?

Homecoming.

Yeah man! Life is wonderful! But, when you realize all of the ones you loved were fake.

And when you die, does your online friends notice? How will they notice? Or will they ever notice? Is 13 age too young for dying? Am I just paranoid? I'm scared.

A hot woman is ready to jump from a bridge and commit suicide when an ugly, stinky homeless man comes up to her and tells her, "Oh baby, you so hot, let's fuck!"

She just yells, "Get the fuck away, you creep!"

He just laughs and says, "Alright, I'll wait down there."

What happened to the depressed kid who tried to high five a tree?

Answer: He was left there hanging.

So, one day a teacher asked, "How many of you have thought of committing suicide?" Half of the class raised their hand, but the teacher said, "Where are Jesse and John?"

Get a head in life by decapitating someone.

Why am I so successful?

When I was told to go big or go home, I only had one option.

When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark.

But when we grew up, the electricity bill made us afraid of the light!

I've thought about suicide, but there's always been a part of me that knows I wouldn't be able to live with the decision.

"Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too."

If a pregnant emo kills herself, is that murder-suicide or just abortion?

What record did Obama prove during his presidency?

No matter how far a brotha gets in life, he'll still be in government housing.

There are a lot of upsides to being an orphan.

For one, you never have to worry about your jokes being family friendly.

Playing soccer in a wheelchair is basically Rocket League in real life.

The worst comedians take 9 months to make a joke. Then they spend the rest of their lives trying to forget it.

A black dude hits up a trap house for some crack and Hennessy, flashing his grill and boasting 'bout his gangsta life. The dealer snarls, "Pay up, fool. Or face the pipe!" He shrugs, "I'm broke, n***a." Suddenly, the dealer's ripped enforcer yanks him down, cuffs his hands with zip ties, shoves a vibrating dildo gag down his throat, slaps his ass red with a spiked paddle, then rams his throbbing monster cock into that tight hole, pounding savagely while choking him with a chain collar, flooding his guts with hot cum as he moans, "That's your high, bitch. Addicted yet?"