Life jokes
If your parachute fails midair, remember, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
The worst comedians take 9 months to make a joke. Then they spend the rest of their lives trying to forget it.
When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark.
But when we grew up, the electricity bill made us afraid of the light!
Why am I so successful?
When I was told to go big or go home, I only had one option.
I bought myself the life-sized Jesus painting off of Amazon, and they had 4 nails within the pack. All I needed was 1.
I don't know an orphan joke, but I bib cried last night.
Because I am an orphan.
What do you call a depressed person's life?
At this point, nonexistent.
My current love life is like a god. It’s not real.
What did the suicidal guy say to his audience?
What did the suicidal guy say to his audience?
A hot woman is ready to jump from a bridge and commit suicide when an ugly, stinky homeless man comes up to her and tells her, "Oh baby, you so hot, let's fuck!"
She just yells, "Get the fuck away, you creep!"
He just laughs and says, "Alright, I'll wait down there."
Guys, don’t put the Holocaust books in the fiction section, it was the worst mistake of my life!
Yeah man! Life is wonderful! But, when you realize all of the ones you loved were fake.
And when you die, does your online friends notice? How will they notice? Or will they ever notice? Is 13 age too young for dying? Am I just paranoid? I'm scared.
I’m taken, taken my own life, bitch!
"I'm sorry, Wendy, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."
Things I would’ve missed if my suicide attempt didn’t fail in 2020.
My attempt in 2021.
And my attempt this year.
What’s an orphan's favorite event?
Homecoming.
So, one day a teacher asked, "How many of you have thought of committing suicide?" Half of the class raised their hand, but the teacher said, "Where are Jesse and John?"
What happened to the depressed kid who tried to high five a tree?
Answer: He was left there hanging.
Get a head in life by decapitating someone.
I've thought about suicide, but there's always been a part of me that knows I wouldn't be able to live with the decision.