A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
When you're 34, it'll be 420 months before you turn 69 years old.
Does Lightning McQueen get life insurance or car insurance?
My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"
But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.
My battery lasted longer than your sad, depressing life.
Do y'all know the saying "Hang in there?" Well, fuck that, because I might as well be hanging myself.
If you’ve got depression, then your life is a joke. Everyone laughs at both.
Life is like a McDonald's meal; it only lasts 7 seconds for fat people.
If life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic.
Jesus said to his disciples, "Go forth and ye shall receive eternal life." Thomas came fifth, however, so he only got a toaster.
So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.
Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."
And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"
Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"
His boss gave him some projects to work on, but he failed at it.
His boss told him: "You suck."
And he started sucking his boss, after he was done.
His boss told him: "You suck for life!"
XD
Kid with Cancer: "When I get older, I want to be a movie star or a singer."
Nurse: *Laughs*
Kid: "Why are you laughing?"
Nurse: "When I get OLDER."
Proceeds to laugh.
How are wet clothes and a depressed person alike? One gets hung up to dry, the other gets hung up to die.
What makes a nuke and divorce the same?
It only takes one of each to end your life.
What's life if you don't have one...
Life lesson guys:
Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.
Me: "Oh man, things are really happening for me! I have so much to do!"
Depression: "Lie in bed."
Me: Hey, how are you?
Depression: I'm doing fine. We are just looking for a home :3
Insomnia: Mommy, can we get a home?
Anxiety: Insomnia, wait for mommy to finish.
Depression: Anyway, here is my resume!
Me: Okie, thank you. Ok... mhmmm... WOW! Okie, this is a nice resume! (Didn't Read it...)
Depression: Also, I have two more friends that want to move in too!
Me: Ok, and their names?
Depression: Their names are: PTSD and Trauma!
Me: Ok, they seem fine (Doesn't know about them)
Depression: Okie, here is the money (a penny :(). Thank you, we will call you if we need anything.
Me: Ok, see you soon! :3
Me now hates my life. :)
I got a phone call from a guy labeled "assassin" saying my life will end soon. I seriously doubt that he w- *gunshot*
