Life jokes

And God said to John, "Come forth, and you shall be granted eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Roses are red, balls are round, skirts are up, panties are down, belly to belly, skin to skin, when it's stiff, stick it in.

There are too many suicidal people in this world. I’m going to make sure there is at least one less.

What's the difference between your birth and 9/11?

One was planned.

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.

He yells, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.

My battery lasted longer than your sad, depressing life.

Life is like a McDonald's meal; it only lasts 7 seconds for fat people.

Does Lightning McQueen get life insurance or car insurance?

If you’ve got depression, then your life is a joke. Everyone laughs at both.

When you're 34, it'll be 420 months before you turn 69 years old.

Do y'all know the saying "Hang in there?" Well, fuck that, because I might as well be hanging myself.

A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

If life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic.

I wouldn't call a Suicide Help-line even if my life depended on it.

Jesus said to his disciples, "Go forth and ye shall receive eternal life." Thomas came fifth, however, so he only got a toaster.

So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.

Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."

And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"

Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"

Kid with Cancer: "When I get older, I want to be a movie star or a singer."

Nurse: *Laughs*

Kid: "Why are you laughing?"

Nurse: "When I get OLDER."

Proceeds to laugh.