Life jokes

Why am I still alive?

Pills give me stomachaches, blood makes me faint, height frightens me...

We sped up the cycle of life and death, we gave Eric and Dylan a shortcut.

There are too many suicidal people in this world. I’m going to make sure there is at least one less.

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

What's the difference between your birth and 9/11?

One was planned.

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.

He yells, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.

Do y'all know the saying "Hang in there?" Well, fuck that, because I might as well be hanging myself.

When you're 34, it'll be 420 months before you turn 69 years old.

My battery lasted longer than your sad, depressing life.

My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.

Does Lightning McQueen get life insurance or car insurance?

If you’ve got depression, then your life is a joke. Everyone laughs at both.

Life is like a McDonald's meal; it only lasts 7 seconds for fat people.

A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

If life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic.

Jesus said to his disciples, "Go forth and ye shall receive eternal life." Thomas came fifth, however, so he only got a toaster.

So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.

Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."

And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"

Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"

Kid with Cancer: "When I get older, I want to be a movie star or a singer."

Nurse: *Laughs*

Kid: "Why are you laughing?"

Nurse: "When I get OLDER."

Proceeds to laugh.

How are wet clothes and a depressed person alike? One gets hung up to dry, the other gets hung up to die.