Life jokes

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.

He yells, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

"Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too."

I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

What's the difference between your birth and 9/11?

One was planned.

And God said to John, "Come forth, and you shall be granted eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

I know this place may be cruel, but hang in there!

Roses are red, balls are round, skirts are up, panties are down, belly to belly, skin to skin, when it's stiff, stick it in.

Playing soccer in a wheelchair is basically Rocket League in real life.

There are too many suicidal people in this world. I’m going to make sure there is at least one less.

Life is like a McDonald's meal; it only lasts 7 seconds for fat people.

If you’ve got depression, then your life is a joke. Everyone laughs at both.

Life lesson guys:

Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.

My battery lasted longer than your sad, depressing life.

Does Lightning McQueen get life insurance or car insurance?

My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.

A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

When you're 34, it'll be 420 months before you turn 69 years old.

If life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic.

I wouldn't call a Suicide Help-line even if my life depended on it.