Life

Life Jokes

Funeral

My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.

People

Life is like a McDonald's meal; it only lasts 7 seconds for fat people.

Dick

A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

Suicide

Do y'all know the saying "Hang in there?" Well, fuck that, because I might as well be hanging myself.

Age

When you're 34, it'll be 420 months before you turn 69 years old.

Toaster

Jesus said to his disciples, "Go forth and ye shall receive eternal life." Thomas came fifth, however, so he only got a toaster.

Accident

So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.

Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."

And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"

Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"

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  • Cancer

    Kid with Cancer: "When I get older, I want to be a movie star or a singer."

    Nurse: *Laughs*

    Kid: "Why are you laughing?"

    Nurse: "When I get OLDER."

    Proceeds to laugh.

    Boss

    His boss gave him some projects to work on, but he failed at it.

    His boss told him: "You suck."

    And he started sucking his boss, after he was done.

    His boss told him: "You suck for life!"

    XD

    Nuke

    What makes a nuke and divorce the same?

    It only takes one of each to end your life.

    Depression

    Me: "Oh man, things are really happening for me! I have so much to do!"

    Depression: "Lie in bed."

    Health

    Life lesson guys:

    Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.

    Depression

    Me: Hey, how are you?

    Depression: I'm doing fine. We are just looking for a home :3

    Insomnia: Mommy, can we get a home?

    Anxiety: Insomnia, wait for mommy to finish.

    Depression: Anyway, here is my resume!

    Me: Okie, thank you. Ok... mhmmm... WOW! Okie, this is a nice resume! (Didn't Read it...)

    Depression: Also, I have two more friends that want to move in too!

    Me: Ok, and their names?

    Depression: Their names are: PTSD and Trauma!

    Me: Ok, they seem fine (Doesn't know about them)

    Depression: Okie, here is the money (a penny :(). Thank you, we will call you if we need anything.

    Me: Ok, see you soon! :3

    Me now hates my life. :)