Life jokes
Old people kept saying "you're next" to me at weddings, so I started saying it to them at funerals.
What's the similarity between your money and your life?
It just keeps going down.
Parents...
An advantage of being an orphan: the teacher can't give you any homework.
What is the difference between E.T. and an orphan?
E.T. can actually call home.
Guy 1: How far are we going?
Guy 2: About as far as somebody's miscarriage.
Why did the mailman die?
'Cause everyone dies.
Marry or don't marry, you will regret both!
My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.
It's better being depressed and suicidal than being happy, know why? Happiness never lasts forever.
Your hairline is so bad when you need a role model who has been having a tough life, you go to your barber.
This morning, I was having a conversation with my ex-boyfriend about reincarnation. I said to him, "If you could come back in the next life as anything, what would you come back as?" He thought about it for a minute and says, "A tree. That way, everybody can look at me and admire me."
Then he says the same thing to me. I started thinking about it when these two sexy, half-naked studs walked by. One was a jock, the other on his bicycle. I know I said I want to come back as a jockstrap or a bicycle seat, but knowing my luck, I'll come back as a tampon.
Guess whose parents didn't survive?
Liv's parents.
When you're 34, it'll be 420 months before you turn 69 years old.
What is a yellow dog Libertarian?
A yellow dog Libertarian is a Libertarian who is blindly loyal to the Libertarian Party, he or she who is a yellow dog Libertarian is a card carrying member of the Libertarian Party who would not vote for a progressive Democrat or a conservative Republican even if their life depended on it! 🐕 🗽
What is the difference between a prisoner and an orphan?
One of them is wanted.
How to not exist: Kys.
Me die.
"One man's trash is another man's treasure."
It's a wonderful phrase, but a terrible way to find out you're adopted.
Orphans have 362 days in a year because they don’t have a Mother’s or Father’s Day and no birthday.