Life jokes
What do you call a graveyard full of disabled people?
A cabbage patch.
My friend: Hey, why are you always smiling?
Me: 'Cause life is a joke and we’re all slacking it off.
A man marries a blonde chick, lives a happy life together, and the man asks his wife if she wants kids. She says "yes".
So, a couple of years go by, and they have one boy and one girl. They go to school, go home with their report cards, and the dad asks what their grades were. The son says he's not doing well, same with the daughter. They ask why they're doing so bad in school, and the dad replies with "ask your mother that question!"
How do you cut your grass without a lawnmower?
You dye it blue and it will cut itself.
Give a man a plane ticket, and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man from a plane, and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Once there was an old lady...
Congratulations, stop bragging!
Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:
"What advice do you have for people out there?"
As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.
Thanks to the voice who keeps telling me to let go,
he is my only motivation for trying again.
A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy. The boy replies, "I’m an orphan, your honor."
I saw an orphan on the road. I asked him if he's an orphan. The kid says, "Yeah, what gave it away?"
I say, "Your parents."
How do Ephippians celebrate their kids' first birthday?
Put a flower on their gravestone.
Orphan: Can I go outside?
Coworker at orphanage: Go ask your mom.
Orphan: WAWAWAWAWAW
I have been thinking about suicide lately. I mean, hey, my mom tells me I can do anything I put my mind to.
What did the tree do to the emo? Left her hanging.
What's worse than dedicating your life to build back the towers? Doing it and getting terrorized for it...
What does Fortnite and real life have in common?
They both lost their tower.
My hair goes just onto my collar bones. WOW! That's longer than I'll live.
Your dad's hairline was so long that he died.
I overdosed on Viagra yesterday.
It was the hardest day of my life.
Me testing if there is fall damage in real life (falls off of a cliff, uses water bucket trick) dies.