I went on a walk last night with a really hot girl. Then she noticed me and we went for a run.
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night, I fucked a chick named Penny. What are the odds?
Got into a fight last night. We both had blades. He cut me deep. I thought I was gone, but he forgot to keep the water running.
Weird thing was that we were in the fight of our lives in the restroom and that guy kinda look like me.
Why are people in Japan always skinny?
Because last time there was a Fat Man, a whole city disappeared.
last night i burned down an orphanage there was one survivor who said i would regret it i said "what are you gonna do, tell your parents?"
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Any last requests?" "Yes," replied the murderer, "Will you please hold my hand?"
What's the first thing that a battered woman does when she gets out of the shelter? My last if she knows what's good for her.
I still remember my granpas last words: turn the lawn mower off!
What is the longest word in the English Dictionary? Smiles because there is a mile between the first letter and the last
A 13 year old girl is having a sleepover so one of her friends asks when was the last time you had an orgasm? she replies 3 days ago dad comes bursting in i KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT
Friened says, "your so drunk last night, u throu a mushroom at a migit and said grow mario grow.
My grandfather said we rely on technology too much so I unplugged his life support. Luckily I remember his last words . "You little bastard!"
What’s the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory? Two test tickles.
Dr. Seuss Died September 24 but that was a lie Dr. Seuss when he was 97 he stole a plane and the last rhyme he did was “up in the sky so very far he comes Dr. Seuss allahuakbar”
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
I had a terrifying experience last night. I was alone in the house having a bath.....when all of a sudden.....I felt a tap on my shoulder.
1. My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.
2. Oh you’re talking to me, I thought you only talked behind my back.
3. My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.
girl: daddy ive been a bad girl priest: for the last time its father I have sinned
What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of Caesar salad?
The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them.
Apparently Monica Lewinsky didn't vote for Hillary Clinton this election. She said the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.
