Lady jokes
Scratches on an icy road and kills 50 people on the bus, and when they get to Heaven, God feels so bad for them and grants them all one wish.
The first lady in the line was always worried about her looks, so she wished to be beautiful, and the guy behind her couldn’t think of what to wish about, so he also wished to be beautiful. This kept on going, but the guy at the end of the line started to laugh. When he got to God, God says, “What is your one wish, my son?” He said, “I wish you can make them all ugly again.”
A German soldier is walking down the street during a hail storm when a lady suddenly falls over after being hit. He, along with a few others, walk over to her. One man asks, "What happened?" and the soldier replies, "Hail hit her."
Q: What’s the difference between a sleeping lady and an onion?
A: One doesn’t scream when you try to chop it up.
Three women were in heaven. The angel at the gates said, "How good the ride into heaven is for you, is determined by your commitment to your most recent partner."
The first lady says, "2 years, 2 side-hoes." She got an old lexus.
The second lady says, "10 years, 1 visit from a prostitute." She got a Mercedes-Benz.
The third lady says, "I never had a husband."
The angel says in response, "F*ck me and then you can have a lambo."
They all arrive in heaven, to see the second lady crying.
The first lady says, "I know we are dead, but it could be a lot worse."
"How!?" The third lady cries, "The angel has a flute for a d*ck!"
Once there were twins, Mark and Michael. Mark was the owner of an old boat. It so happened that Michael's wife died the same day that Mark's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no. In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!" The old lady fainted.
Why did the black lady give the IRS a mason jar full of watermelon seeds?
Tax credit.
A homeless man sees a woman about to jump off a bridge.
A homeless man is walking along a road and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.
"Hey lady, are you about to jump?"
"Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.
"Well, that's fine," he says, "but before you do, can I ask a favor? I'm pretty down on my luck, and it's been a long time since I've felt the touch of a woman, so if it's all the same to you, would you have sex with me first?"
"Eww no, fuck off you creep!" the woman shouts back.
"Fine," the man says. "I'll just go wait at the bottom."
Two nuns walk into a liquor store, and one asked the clerk for the biggest bottle of Irish whisky he had.
The clerk replied, "Heck no sister, you nuns aren't supposed to drink that stuff!" The nun said, "Well my son, it is not for us, you see, it is for Mother Teresa," then the nun whispers, "She has the constipation."
The clerk said, "Oh, in that case, it's on the house. Here's the biggest jug we have." The nuns thank him, bless him, and leave. A few hours later, as the clerk is leaving, he sees the same two sisters in the parking lot, rolling around and drinking the Irish whiskey. Appalled, he goes over to them and says, "You ladies lied to me! You told me it was for Mother Teresa for her constipation!"
One of the nuns takes another swig, looks up at him and says "You wanna know something buddy? She sure will shit when she sees us!"
"Rajesh get on bus, so many people, squeeze here squeeze there. He daydream about naughty stuff, like coffee spill but not coffee. Bus move, stop, he press close to pretty lady, she smell nice. Rajesh think how funny if something else spill, make whole bus ride wild." He laugh to self, bus ride never boring now!
How does a lady with stage 3 cancer introduce herself?
"Hey y'all, I'm Diane."
30 people died in a car wreck before they got to Heaven. God asked for one wish because they died in a tragic way. The first lady, she was obsessed with her looks, so she asked to be beautiful and God granted her wish. The next person didn't know what to wish for, so they wished for the same thing. The guy in the very back was laughing, having a grand old time. Then God got to the person before the last. He said the same, he wished to be beautiful. When God got to the last person, he said, "I want them all to be ugly again."
I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."
If you are a bully at a school, when you get home, find an orphan and beat them up!
What are they going to do? Tell the orphan lady to tell you to stop? 😆😝
A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of ten dollar bills, so he asks the bartender if it's a jar of tips. The bartender says no, it's for a bet. So the man asks what the bet is and the bartender says, "Well, if you put ten dollars into the jar then knock out the bouncer, next you go outside and remove a rotten tooth out of the rottweiler's mouth, and last you go upstairs and give an orgasm to the fat lady who has never had one. If you can do all those things then you get everything in the jar as well as free drinks for the month." So the guy puts in ten dollars, turns to the guy next to him and knocks him out with one punch. Then the guy continues outside, all you hear for an hour is screaming and whining from the dog. When all is silent, the man walks in and asks, "So where is the fat lady with the tooth?"
If a pregnant lady murders someone, does the child get an assist?
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, “Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, Daddy came in with the lady next door, and they started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off Daddy’s clothes, and Daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of Daddy and started...”.
The mother cuts him off and says, “Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me.” A couple hours later, the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face, shouting, “I’m leaving you... Go ahead, Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier.” Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. “Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door, and you both started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off your clothes, and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing Mom did with Uncle Joe last summer.”
My Mother: Wanna hear the song, "Chloe, your the one I want" on Pandora?
Me: No, I am tired of that song and I am annoyed by it.
Mom: Don't talk back to me like that, young lady.
Me: / someone else? - -gets silent in da room-
Brother: Yeah, this song is very annoying, but maybe better than the Chelsea song.
Joke is here now what do you do if you hear the name Chloe?
A woman goes to buy a parrot.
There is one for 200, 500, and one for 15 bucks.
She asks why the last one is so cheap.
The man at the counter says, "It used to live in a brothel/sex house."
The lady buys it anyway.
When she gets home, it says, "Fuck me, a new brothel!"
When her daughters get home, it says, "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!"
When the father gets home, the parrot says, "Fuck me, Daryl, haven't seen you in the brothel in weeks!"
Two boys were at a lake, and they went to a bush and saw a naked lady.
One ran away, the other one followed the one who ran and asked why he ran. The boy answered, "My mum told me if I saw a naked lady I would turn to stone. I ran away because I felt something get hard."
What did the blind man say as he passed the fish stand?
"Hello Ladies!"