Kids jokes

Jason Kenney has never worried about putting food on the table for his kids.

"Knuckle babies" don't eat.

I didn't put my kids up for adoption.

Kid: I want to be like Batman.

Genie: I can make arrangements. The kid comes home, both of his parents are dead.

Genie: I told you.

Kid: .............................................

Why was the orphan kid bad at school? Because he wanted a phone call home.

What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?

Kids won't eat the broccoli.

Remember kids, ejaculate, then evacuate.

Ooh, I wonder what's on this browser. *clicks* "How to tell your kid they're adopted."

My boy is so distracted and the kids are doing great. I will be make $500000.

The penis has a sad life. His hair is always a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him.

He also stands up for kids who can't defend themselves.

What's a game a paraplegic kid can't play?

Hopscotch.

I think someone left trash at the doorstep. Oh, wait, it's your parents dropping you off at the kid's store.

The quiet kid, orphan, and school shooter walked into a bar, and he ordered a beer.

Elmo: Welcome to the new micronation of Tickelandia.

Dude: Why are we close to Disneyland?

Kid: I don't know.

Elmo: Rule 1, you must not tell the forests or Bob Iger about us.

Meanwhile, Officer: Come on, Elmo, you're going to prison.

*Officer arrests Elmo*

Elmo: But who wants tickles?

My kid runs in today to tell me that he found a floating cow, but when he got me to come and see, all I saw was a piñata with a tail and white spots. Such a stupid child. So after that I gave him a nice refreshing drink from the toilet and a few of those chocolate sprinkles. (: I'm such a good parent...

I made this up.

I was watching a school baseball game, and I was yelling at a kid to take it home. He took the bat and threw it, and then ran away. I asked the teacher/coach what the problem was, and he said the kid was an orphan, and I started laughing so hard.

Later that night, I wondered where he stormed off to after he threw the bat, and I thought to myself, "Not home."

How do you rape a girl?

By doing a tornado kick to your head since you stupid kids like rape jokes!

What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?

Acne waits until a kid is a teenager to come on its face.

Two boys were playing cards on a picnic table outside the school. Both of the boys had revolvers hidden in their waistband.

Now, one of the boys was a notorious cheater, who liked to hide his cards in his waistband. Recess was just about to end, when all the kids heard a loud bang erupt from the picnic table. In tears, the card player admitted that he had shot the other card player, stating "I played a King, and he started reaching for his waistband!"

What do Michael Jackson and ACN have in common? They both go in little kids.

These girls were bullying a kid. I asked if they were raping him. They stopped.