Kids jokes

"Look at these kids stealing ideas, bro. They're going to jail."

I saw a little kid cry. I went up to him and asked where his parents were. Jeez, I love working at the orphanage!

Kid 1: Do you know Candace?

Kid 2: Candace who?

Kid 1: Candace dick fit in your mouth!

My name is Devonair.

When I get a haircut, it's always bald.

Kids make fun of me, they call me "dang-near bald head."

My name is Devonair *dev-on-near*

I always thought they were making fun of me because of my name pronounced near.

Kid: I want to be like Batman.

Genie: I can make arrangements. The kid comes home, both of his parents are dead.

Genie: I told you.

Kid: .............................................

Why was the orphan kid bad at school? Because he wanted a phone call home.

Remember kids, ejaculate, then evacuate.

What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?

Kids won't eat the broccoli.

Kid: How much do you get paid?

Teacher: Minimum wage.

Miss Stephen likes kids like she likes wine: 15 years and in isolation.

Where do religious kids practice sports?

In the prayground.

A sibling went up to their other sibling and said, "Dad said you're adopted."

The other sibling said, "You are, too."

Then the first sibling goes, "No, I'm not."

And the sibling says, "We're twins."

The other kid goes, "And you're adopted... oh."

Kid: Hey, Dad.

Dad: You're an hour late.

Kid: No, it was two hours. Also, I was working on math.

Dad: By yourself?

Kid: No.

Dad: A boy?

Kid: I was with the teacher.

What do you get when you cross an adopted kid with a river?

Moses hits the adoption lottery!

“Wanna smoke, kids?” is an offer to do drugs.

“Wanna smoke kids?” is an offer to kill.

What do you call a kid with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor.

Elmo: Welcome to the new micronation of Tickelandia.

Dude: Why are we close to Disneyland?

Kid: I don't know.

Elmo: Rule 1, you must not tell the forests or Bob Iger about us.

Meanwhile, Officer: Come on, Elmo, you're going to prison.

*Officer arrests Elmo*

Elmo: But who wants tickles?

My kid runs in today to tell me that he found a floating cow, but when he got me to come and see, all I saw was a piñata with a tail and white spots. Such a stupid child. So after that I gave him a nice refreshing drink from the toilet and a few of those chocolate sprinkles. (: I'm such a good parent...

I made this up.

I was watching a school baseball game, and I was yelling at a kid to take it home. He took the bat and threw it, and then ran away. I asked the teacher/coach what the problem was, and he said the kid was an orphan, and I started laughing so hard.

Later that night, I wondered where he stormed off to after he threw the bat, and I thought to myself, "Not home."

What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?

Acne waits until a kid is a teenager to come on its face.