Keep jokes

Sara opens her lunch and reads the letter inside. "I packed your favorite -love mom," Sara reaches in and announces "yay PB and J!" Tom goes in his lunch and pulls out a letter "go buy yourself something healthy at the cafeteria -Dad," then pulls out 20 bucks and says "nice!" They both look at Craig as he pulls out a letter. Craig reads the letter in his head, it said "WE HAVE YOUR PARENTS, THEY TELL US THEY KEEP THE MONEY UNDER THEIR BED. BRING $10 000 TO THE RANDAVOU POINT OR THEY WILL BE KILLED. YOU DIDN'T TAKE US SERIOUSLY LAST TIME SO THERE IS MORE PROOF IN YOUR LUNCH." Craig throws down the letter and pulls a finger out of his lunch. Tom and Sara look shocked, then Craig says "ugh, severed finger, again!"

Why are hospitals always freezing? They need to keep the vegetables cold.

A father and three sons are renovating a house when a wall of that house collapses and breaks the father's back. Keeping calm, he tells the sons, "Well, I guess this is what you would call back-breaking labor." He chuckled, then passed out from pain.

How do you keep a mute woman you've raped from telling on you?

By cutting off her fingers.

These are the reasons the West will fall. Also, men's rights are f***ing stupid if men keep voting for rich whites!

What do Donald Trump and a dick have in common?

Liberals can't keep either one out of their mouths.

How do you keep a blind person entertained? Give them a piece of sandpaper and tell them it’s a word.

Ugly kid, people keep saying I'm ugly.

Me: They're certainly not wrong.

We almost drowned when we went out boating, but I got a watermelon to keep me floating.

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bred dog.

Please folks, you can hit the thumbs up button on the ones you like. There is no need to repost.

Anyways,

Knock knock Who's there? Can I come in? Can I come in who? Can I Come In You!?

More often than not, I will cry when I masturbate. Some nights I'm a real tear jerker!

But on the nights and I smoke a lil pot and then masturbate, my dad ends up bugging me because I am a weed wacker.

How do you keep a dog from humping your leg? Pick him up and suck his dick.

How does Popeye keep his manly part from rusting? He sticks it in Olive Oil.

Snow White and the seven dwarfs are in the the tub feeling "HAPPY". Happy got out now they are fucking "GRUMPY".

What's worse than waking up and finding a "Penis" drawn on your forehead? Finding out it was "Traced".

If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster what would you have? 3 feet of my cock up your ass.

Did you know Batman was actually Black? Yeah he couldn't go a night with out Robyn!

Did you hear Gods Word Of The Day? Its Legs! Now lets go out and spread them.

What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs? Cunt-sway-low

Whats worse than sucking 25 oysters out of your Grandmas Pussy? Realizing you only put in 15.

Mom: ON THE PHONE WITH CHILD- Honey, is Dad late to pick you up again?

Child: No, Mum. Dad is here, but he is talking about me to Mrs. Lili, the math teacher.

Mom: Can you hear them?

Child: I think... they are watching a good movie.

Mom: Why do you think that?

Child: Because I keep hearing this *HOLDS ONTO PHONE* and clap, clap, clap.

Why do more men than women support abortion? So they can keep raping women and the victims will just abort their kids to not have to relive the experience!

Period: Guess who’s back... back again...

Me: Ugh, can we not do this today?

Period: I can come back in 9 months?

Me: Keep fucking singing.

Got into a fight last night. We both had blades. He cut me deep. I thought I was gone, but he forgot to keep the water running.

Weird thing was that we were in the fight of our lives in the restroom and that guy kinda looked like me.

I'm Asian and there is a saying that dogs are man's best friends. They are my best friends because they keep me from starving.

I try and try every day, but 5 keep coming out. There's so money at this point my walls are built of babies.

How do you f**k a sheep?

Put your d**k in it and face it off the cliff edge. It'll keep going backwards as you push forwards.

Note to all moms of teens, keep a dog. That way, someone is excited to see you!

Why do hospitals have fans?

To keep the vegetables fresh and cold.