Q: Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
A: To find Pooh!
Three guys are stranded with cannibals on an island. The cannibals said, "Each one of you come back with 10 pieces of fruit and shove them up your butt showing no emotion." The first guy came back with 10 apples, and by the second one, he started to grunt, so he was killed and eaten.
The second one came back with cherries, and when he went to put the 10th one in, he started to laugh, so he was killed and eaten. The two guys met in heaven, and the first guy said, "Dude, you were so close. What happened?" The second one said, "I would have made it, but I saw the third guy come back with 10 pineapples!!" ๐๐๐คฃ๐คฃ
A panda walks into a bar. He asked the bartender for a sandwich and then proceeds to shoot him, then leaves the bar. Later on, after asking witnesses, the police track down the panda and take him to the station. They question him and ask, โWhyโd you do it?โ The panda replied, โItโs what pandas do, look it up.โ So they did, they went on Wikipedia, and there it was: Pandas eat shoots and leaves.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? - 'Cause she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
I guess bro wants our birth rate to turn into a perpendicular line. BP in a nutshell.
I asked my rigger buddy if he could tie me up later, he said, "I'm a frayed knot."
A guy walks into a bar and sees a 1-foot piano player over by the door. He goes over to the bartender, orders a beer, and says, โMan, howโd you get such a short piano player?โ The bartender says in response, โThereโs a genie in the back of the bar.โ The man finishes his beer and runs to the back, looking for the genie. He finds it and says, โI wish for a million bucks.โ Suddenly, a million ducks fly out of the bar. The customer looks confused and goes back to the bartender and says, โWhat just happened?โ The bartender replies, โThe genie is half deaf, do you really think Iโd ask for a 12-inch pianist?โ
What do you call a bad amputation?
A rip-off.
What happens when a skeleton does not laugh at your pun?
Looks like someone's funny bone is broken. ๐
What's the best thing about dead baby jokes?
They never get old.
Someone raped my ear, now I have hearing aids.
I crashed into those motherfuckers! ๐๐๐
Knock knock. Who's there? Broken pencil. Broken pencil who? Never mind, it was pointless!
I cried when my dad cut up onions. Onions was a good dog.