Joke jokes
One day I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"
A bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here!”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
what do you call a white person having a seizure?
a vanilla shake.
Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
What is a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game?
Before the first period.
What do you call a redneck on fire?
A fire cracker.
Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.
Knock knock. Who's there? Not Sally.
What first went through Sally's head when the Nazis came? A bullet.
Where did Sally go when the bomb exploded? Everywhere.
What did Sally get for Christmas? A bike.
What does the cannibal get after a one night stand?
Breakfast in bed!
The doctor says to the woman, "There was good and bad news." The woman says she wants the bad news first. The doctor says, "The bad news is the baby had red hair." Then he said, "The good news is, it is dead."
What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
We're skipping April Fools' Day this year. The biggest joke is already sitting in office running our country.
I asked my rigger buddy if he could tie me up later, he said, "I'm a frayed knot."
What’s the difference between an orphan and an apple? The apple got picked.
I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”
It's not that I don't get the laugh, but most of you need to read through what's already been posted, 'cause everybody's saying the same sh*t.
What is it called when you hit your funny bone at night?
Dark humor.
So, a man was on a ledge ready to kill himself because he got laid off at work and his girlfriend cheated on him. He was about to jump until he saw from a mountainside a little guy with no arms dancing around. So he thought, "Maybe my life ain't so bad." So he went to the mountainside. "Thank you," he said, "I was gonna jump off a bridge and kill myself until I saw you dancing, even though you have no arms. Dancing?" the armless man said bitterly, "My asshole itches and I can't scratch it."
Dead people jokes are the best, they're ground breaking.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? -- Canned food.