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I got kicked out of a hospital once. I told all the COVID patients to stay positive.

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    • So a guy gets a motorcycle with authentic leather seats, and the dealer tells him, "Dude, the rain will ruin the seats. Get it under something if it starts raining, and worst-case scenario, put Vaseline all over the seats to make it waterproof." So he goes to his girlfriend's house that night for dinner, and before he goes inside, she says, "Listen, this is your first time meeting my parents. We have a rule: the first one to speak has to do the dishes." So he walks inside and sees a mountain of dishes, over three months' worth, because no one has spoken, and the stench is awful.

    During dinner, he concocted a plan to get someone to speak, so he started doing all of this crazy shit to try and get someone to speak. Not a peep. Eventually, he grabs his girlfriend, bends her over, and starts going to town. Still nothing. The parents are outraged but not speaking because they don't want to do the dishes. After about a minute of this, he walks away and does the same to her mum and starts going to town. Now the dad is pissed and just staring him down with daggers. At that moment, it starts to rain. He remembers his motorcycle is out in the rain, and he grabs the Vaseline out of his pack pocket, and the dad goes, "FINE! I'LL DO THE DISHES!"

    Why can black people post offensive jokes about making fun of white people, but white people can't post offensive jokes about making fun of black people? Because white people have white privilege. Does it cycle?

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    • Why can't white people post jokes about making fun of black people, but black people can post jokes about making fun of white people?

    Because white people have white privilege.

    Kenya text: Guys, leave Gwen alone! Pls! It is not her fault...btw STOP AND GO TO ATHORE JOKES

    A group of Astronauts, a Mechanic, a Pilot, & a Communications operator are on a very important mission to Mars when one of their solar panels gets grazed by a meteorite.

    And so the Astronauts quickly assemble in the hull to wait for orders from the ground. Once the Communications operator turned on coms, their man on the ground told the Pilot to continue their course & to send the Mechanic out to fix the problem. As the Mechanic worked on finishing repairing the solar panel, the Pilot & Communications operator told each other dark jokes when out of nowhere a meteorite field appeared! The Ground operator frighteningly shouted "Get him back in the ship!" to the Communications operator. "Chill out, he'll be fine," The Pilot assured him. "Get him the hell out of there, that's an order!" The Ground operator argued. Then thirty seconds later the Communications operator came back from the air shoot & asked, "Now what?"

    I was at a funeral and told a joke, and my sister said, "I'm dead." So I said, "That's what she said."

    Broke my toenail yesterday. I'm now presenting you puns/jokes:

    1. "Yeah, I broke my toenail, wanna see phoTOES?" 2. "I'm tired of bandaging my toe! Oh. My. GAUZE."

    Son: Dad, I need a new butt.

    Dad: Why, son?

    Son: Because mine has a huge crack in it.

    Why did the baker give the shopper a butt? Because she asked for buns!

    Why did the baker give the shopper a butt? Because she asked for a butt!

    If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?

    Big hands.

    "Sir, we're mining too many useless mineral ores."

    Hitler: "Mine less, then."

    Grammar Nazi bursts in: "MINE FEWER!"

    Hitler looks over: "Yes?"

    Hey, what are those things on your arms? They look like cuts. Wait, what? No, it's just marker. Nothing else...

    Why can't an orphan go on a field trip?

    'Cause they need parent registration!

    The difference between dark jokes and morbid is,

    dark jokes are 10 babies in 1 trash can, and

    morbid jokes are 1 baby in 10 trash cans.