I was going to tell a joke about babies, but I decided to abort.
Joke Jokes
If cancer was a person I’d shake their hand and say: "Thank you for your service."
Sorry if it’s too far, but don’t come here if you can’t take it.
I named my dog "5 miles" so I could say I walk 5 miles each day.
But today I ran OVER 5 miles... oops!
What's the difference between twin towers and McDonald's?
One had a drive thru and the other had a fly thru.
I’d make a rape joke, but I don't wanna force that on you too.
My life, ha ha funny!
If you're ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they going to do, tell their parents?
What do you call a guy at your doorstep with no arms and no legs?
Matt!
What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog!
What did one ghost say to the other?
"Get a life!"
What is it called when an orphan takes a selfie?
A family photo.
So there's a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says, "Step on a crack and you break your mother's back." The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother's back breaking.
The little girl's father looks in terror, she then says, "Step on a line and you break your father's spine." The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out "OW MY SPINE!" The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.
We're skipping April Fools' Day this year. The biggest joke is already sitting in office running our country.
Why did the man say, "I'm stuck?" Because he was...
I broke up with my ex girlfriend. Here's her number.
Sike, that's the wrong number!
ooooooooooooooooooooo
I got no joke.
When you’re playing dead and the school shooter starts unbuckling his belt and you hear him say, “This boy always had a fat ass.”
So Stephen Hawking walks into a bar.
I’m just kidding.
Snake one: Are we venomous?
Snake two: Yep!... Why do you ask?
Snake one: Cuz I just bit my tongue!!! (Drama scene)
What did the mouse say after its bath?
"I feel squeaky clean!"
