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If someone calls you, just say:

"This is Peter's abortion clinic and pizza restaurant, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce!"

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    • While I was out shopping, I tripped in a store and a lady would not stop staring at me. For fun, I said, "Sorry! It's been a while since I've possessed a body." She looked horrified.

    Dads are like boomerangs... I hope!

    Son: Dad, why is my name Experience? Dad: Son, Experience is the name we give our mistakes.

    You won't eat a human, so why eat meat? Bold of you to presume I won't eat a person.

    Imagine when you are about to cry at the funeral, then your friend's phone rings.

    Then he says, "I'll call you back, I'm still at the die."

    Why did the dumb blonde pee inside the condom?

    Because the doctor told the dumb blonde that the dumb blonde was going to get a urine test!

    I was anonymous with the previous jokes. I will now go by "I can fly! *falls*."

    What's black and white and red all over? A mime I hit with my car.

    At the restaurant, the waitress starts flirting with me. "She must have COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "'Cause she clearly has no taste." She responded.

    Ok, I found this off of an internet meme, this isn't original:

    *grabbing kid* Harambe: Ok kid, I don't have much time, but Obama's last name is- *gunshot*

    When I was 8, my sister was half my age. I am 60 now, how old is my sister?

    Comments: 30! Give me an easier question next time!

    What is the difference between a dead baby and an orphan?

    The dead baby happened on purpose while the orphan came out as an accident!

    What is the difference between peanut butter and a dead baby? One sticks to the roof of your mouth, while the other one doesn't!

    What is an orphan's excuse to leave a party?

    "I'm gonna make like my parents and run."

    My wife left a note on the fridge. The note read, "It's not working." I don't know what she's talking about. I opened the fridge, and it worked fine!