Sans: I like eating ketchup, don't believe me? It's ASRIEL as it gets! UT Sans to UT pap: You FORGHETTIE the spaghetti!!! Ink sans: umm lust? That's INKAPPROPRIATE! Fell sans: I hate these double standards...if you burn a body at a crematoriom you're doing "a good job" do it at home and your "destroying evidence." Error sans: every time you make a typo, the errorists win..
A 10 year old girl reported to her friends that her 16 year old male babysitter was touching her inappropriately, he quickly lost his job as a babysitter.
A 10 year old boy reported to his friends that his 16 year old female babysitter was touching him inappropriately, she quickly became the most popular babysitter in town amongst boys.
I get paid more than $200 to $400 per hour for working online. I heard about this job 3 months ago and after joining this I have earned easily $30k from this without having online working skills . Simply give it a shot on the accompanying site...
Here is I started.............>> fixpay1.blogspot.com
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
I was being interviewed by Elon Musk. He asked "where are you from" and I said Portugal. He replied, "so you are a fellow country man of a Pen merchant whose freekick ball broke my rover on Mars. Get out!!". Tears ran down my face. Shame on you Penaldo for costing me my dream job
True Story
A CO was receiving inmates as they're being recalled from their assigned jobs to prepare for count. An inmate that had passed the officer returned bleeding through his trousers from his crotch. The inmate had an argument with his lover who had told him that he wasn't enough woman for him. As the inmate was bleeding he was crying out. "He doesn't love me anymore!!" The officer called for medical assistance and went into the assigned cell. He found the severed penis. He fished it out of the toilet and placed it in a plastic bag with ice. He claimed that the medical staff at the hospital could reattach it. He took a ribbing from his fellow officers, because ,most would've flushed it. I retired and months later saw a fellow officer at the store. As we caught up, I mentioned that the last incident I responded to was 'the severed penis' the officer tells me that the inmate severed his penis again after it was reattached and flushed it himself.
Blonde starts new job at local car dealership when a wealthy gentleman comes in looking for a spacious car for his large family. The blonde is excited as she gets commission so eagerly shows him the most expensive SUVs.... The gentleman has a good look round before saying to the blonde 'it looks perfect....But Cargo space?' To which she instantly replied 'Oh I'm Sorry sir, Car only for road.
The teacher was asking some of her students the meanings to words. "Sally, can you tell me what beautiful means?" Sally: "You.." Teacher: "Aww! How nice! But next time say the actual definition. Now, can someone tell me what malicious means?" Andrew: "A dangerous person and/or virus." Teacher: "Great job Andrew! Now, what does fat mean? Johnny?" Johnny: "A pig." Teacher: "Could you tell me the actual defini-" Johnny: "In other words, the person who last spoke to me."
have you heard about my new can crushing job?
it's soda-pressing
A girl comes up to her dad and says can I borrow the car tonite I want to go this party dad says if u give a head job girl says your r my dad how can u say that dad says if u want the car girl thinks ok she starts dad that taste like shut dad yer your brother wanted the this morning
I wrote a few jokes:
What does a 15-year-old boy do without two hands when his parents are not at home? Well, obviously do not jerk off
yesterday a girl from my job invited me to her home and there I had crazy sex I could not think that her mother is so hot
what will happen the morning after the destruction of humanity? Duncan MacLeod makes himself breakfast
The man was Indian he moved to England because he wanted to learn so got a job at the store he learned how to say register then he was a business man he learned how to say 59887 then returant so he learned how to say fork and knifes so a man came with a knife the cop came and asked the man which was the killer who killed him he said him he pointed to the Indian man the cop asked what did you use he said register cop asked for ID 59887the cop asked anything on you forks and knife he said me me me
Three men met on a nude beach. Two of the three men were happy, but the third was sad. The three men broke into a conversation. The topic eventually reached the men's jobs, and why they were at the beach.
"I'm a construction worker," said the first man. "All year long I toil in the sun in very heavy clothes, so this seemed like the perfect vacation for me. If I can relax and do it naked, that's a win-win."
"I'm an accountant," said the second man. "I just like how everyone here is dressed exactly the same."
The first two men turned to the third, sad man. "What do you do?" they asked.
"I'm a pickpocket," said the third man. "My doctor sent me here.
My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence. What do you call an expert fisherman? A master baiter. How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote. "I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist. He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair." Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? He only comes once a year. Why did the squirrel swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry. What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. Why can't you hear rabbits making love? Because they have cotton balls. If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off? What comes after 69? Mouthwash. What does Pinocchio's lover say to him? "Lie to me! Lie to me!" Dear NASA: Your mom thought I was big enough. —Pluto Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life? Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything. What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch. A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you." What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call and tell her about it. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died. What's the difference between hungry and horny? Where you stick the cucumber. Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box. What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Gum. What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out." What's the difference between a sex worker and a drug dealer? A sex worker could wash her crack and resell it. What are the three shortest words in the English language? "Is it in?" How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist. What's the difference between your penis and a bonus check? Someone's always willing to blow your bonus. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? "Beat it. We're closed." A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!" What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts." What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? "Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow job!" What's the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: They're not so thick and insensitive anymore. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop to ask for directions. What did the guy say when he got caught masturbating to an optical illusion? "It's not what it looks like." How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? "Thanks for coming!" What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth? A glad-he-ate-her. What's long and hard and full of semen? A submarine.
