If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?
I lost my job at a research facility. The people were too chill for me.
I used to work at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I missed a few days.
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
I have a great job for you, but you have to start it off...
Knock, knock...
Who's there?
I don't know?!?
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
What's the difference between a pizza delivery guy and a cop?
Pizza guys get punished for not doing their jobs properly.
A scarecrow got promoted because he was outstanding in his field.
A pornstar committed suicide; her coworkers must be taking it hard.
The cop that is on a 12 o'clock shift says, "Hands up!"
At a date:
He: "I work with animals every day."
Me: "Oh, how sweet! What do you do?"
He: "I'm a butcher."
What do you call someone who used to kill people? An ex-executioner.
How does an artist fill in a CV?
He draws on experience.
JFK did a good job spreading around on his final speech.
People with Down syndrome have a specific skill only they have; they can give a blow job and talk to you while sounding exactly the same.
A man with no arms is tasked with a lot of jobs. Then he says to his boss, "I can't handle all of this!"
What did the pornstar say to the unemployed homeless man?
Get a fucking job.
I've done a ton of work today.
A SKELE-ton of work!
Why was the man fired from a calendar factory? He took a day off.
What was Frankenstein's second job? -- He was a bodybuilder.
