Job jokes

Nurse: Don't worry, I'm great with babies. Parents: You are? Nurse: Yeah, I always abort them. Parent:... Parent: You're hired.

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

Q: Why did the teacher die?

A: Because he hated his life.

If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?

I lost my job at a research facility. The people were too chill for me.

I used to work at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I missed a few days.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

I have a great job for you, but you have to start it off...

Knock, knock...

Who's there?

I don't know?!?

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

What's the difference between a pizza delivery guy and a cop?

Pizza guys get punished for not doing their jobs properly.

A scarecrow got promoted because he was outstanding in his field.

A pornstar committed suicide; her coworkers must be taking it hard.

The cop that is on a 12 o'clock shift says, "Hands up!"

At a date:

He: "I work with animals every day."

Me: "Oh, how sweet! What do you do?"

He: "I'm a butcher."

What do you call someone who used to kill people? An ex-executioner.

How does an artist fill in a CV?

He draws on experience.

JFK did a good job spreading around on his final speech.

People with Down syndrome have a specific skill only they have; they can give a blow job and talk to you while sounding exactly the same.

A man with no arms is tasked with a lot of jobs. Then he says to his boss, "I can't handle all of this!"

What did the pornstar say to the unemployed homeless man?

Get a fucking job.