Job jokes
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
Why did the man decide to work at a pizza place? Because he kneaded the dough!
Someone goes into a bar and asks for a blow job. The barman goes, "Me too." But then the guy goes, "I meant the drink."
Nurse: Don't worry, I'm great with babies. Parents: You are? Nurse: Yeah, I always abort them. Parent:... Parent: You're hired.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.
Q: Why did the teacher die?
A: Because he hated his life.
If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?
I lost my job at a research facility. The people were too chill for me.
I used to work at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I missed a few days.
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
I have a great job for you, but you have to start it off...
Knock, knock...
Who's there?
I don't know?!?
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?” I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
What's the difference between a pizza delivery guy and a cop?
Pizza guys get punished for not doing their jobs properly.
A scarecrow got promoted because he was outstanding in his field.
A pornstar committed suicide; her coworkers must be taking it hard.
The cop that is on a 12 o'clock shift says, "Hands up!"
At a date:
He: "I work with animals every day."
Me: "Oh, how sweet! What do you do?"
He: "I'm a butcher."
What do you call someone who used to kill people? An ex-executioner.
How does an artist fill in a CV?
He draws on experience.
JFK did a good job spreading around on his final speech.