Job jokes

The other day a squirrel asked me for a job. I asked him, "What jobs did you have previously?"

Calmly he answered, "I am a pilot. I can pick it up from here and pile it over there. I also can fly a sign!"

"Too bad, this is a nut cannery, and we're 100% automated. We don't need anyone at this time, sorry."

"No worries, I'm totally nuts anyway. Guess I'll fly a sign across town, don't have bus fare!"

How did the security guard at the orchid get better at his job? He got an Apple Watch.

What time is it when a rooster sits on a fence? Morning.

What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence? Time to get a new fence.

What time is it when a lawyer sits on the fence? Time for an elephant to sit on the fence.

I got a job as a pencil sharpener. I would tell you about it, but you wouldn't get the point.

My aunt worked as a human cannonball.

I'm not sure if she was good at it until she got fired.

I had some puns about construction, but I'm still working on them.

One day there was a guy who robbed a bank. A customer at the bank while it happened got the police. Who was that? The police said......

It’s a wood hulem.

My mom said she wanted to be a comedian when she grows up. So after she was an adult, she had kids. When they were old enough, she told them you could be whatever you want...

I work at a bank and an old woman asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

A man goes into a job interview and sits down.

The interviewer is looking over his resume and says, "I see here that there's a 4-year gap on your resume. What were you doing?"

The man says, "Oh, that was when I went to Yale!"

The interviewer is impressed and says, "That's great! You're hired!"

The man smiles. "Really? I'm so glad, because I really need this Yob."

Why is a waiter good at math?

Because he knows his TABLES! 🤣

I went to the bank to apply for a Personal Loan.

Then they found out I wanted to be a rapper, so they didn't want to Post M"loan."

How do you make a plumber cry?

Break his pipes...

I gave up my seat to blind lady because she couldn't find any--let's just say I lost my job as a bus driver.

Did you know toilets, while you're at work, eat your toilet paper?

You know a piranha can devour a small child in 30 seconds. Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

The only profession where one could have coronavirus and still go to work is a suicide terrorist.

What did the math book say to the guidance counselor?

I did a good job of being home from school.

I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.