it's jokes
How long does it take for a depressed person to change a light bulb?
5 days. & I’m pretty proud of myself.
I'd insult BlessedBrian, but it seems NATURE beat me to it.
What did the mouse say after its bath?
"I feel squeaky clean!"
What do you call it when Panera Bread decapitates someone?
Panera Behead.
You should wear binoculars when calculating. It helps divide.
Why was the belt arrested? Because it held up pants.
What excuse can you use if you find out your date is a rape victim and you don't want the baggage?
Say you've parked your car in a bad spot and are just going to move it, then move your car all the way back to your home address.
Want my opinion on Mongolia? It has its pros and Khans.
A cop pulls a man over and finds out he's drunk. So he asks for license and registration, and the drunk man says, "Can I see your flashlight?"
The cop says, "Just give me your license and registration." So drunk guy says, "Not until you give me your flashlight."
The cop said, "For what?" and the drunk guy says, "So I can shine it in your face and see what an asshole looks like."
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty was an egg?
My daughter came home from school later than usual. I was panicking, then at 5:30 p.m. she arrived, not walking but in a bus 🚌. I asked, "Where the hell did this bus come from?" She said, "The garage in the alleyway, Mama. I bought it for five gummies and eight buttons. You like her? She is called Belle Bus." My face was just: 😑 How did you get the bus here? She replies with a whisper, "I drove her through five gardens, a house, and two police cars!" 🙃 So that explains why you have handcuffs on. "Yeah!"
Have you heard about the new movie with Stephen Hawking as the star? It's called "Unplugged."
Person 1: "I love KFC."
Person 2: "Yeah, me too!"
Person 1: "How many have you gotten?"
Person 2: "How am I supposed to remember how many buckets of chicken I have ordered!?"
Person 1: "Chicken? What chicken? What do you think KFC stands for?"
Person 2: "Kentucky Fried Chicken?"
Person 1: "What? I thought it meant kidnapping foster children."
Person 2: "BLOODY WHATT??"
When somebody says they're depressed (by over-romanticizing their so-called problems) but can't be by your side when you are at your lowest.
Then you know they're faking depression. 🙂
If you know it, you know it.
Three kids one day found a magical slide. There was a sign next to it saying, “Whatever you wish for comes true once you slide down.” One kid stepped up and slid down. He wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river.
The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money. He then landed in a pile of money. The third kid went down and said, “Weeeeeeee!”
How does a penguin (however you spell it) build a house? Igloos it together!
Q: What do you do if you bump into a koala?
A: You koalagize to it.
Want to hear a joke about pizza?
Never mind, it's too cheesy.
What did the squirrel say when he chewed some saggy boobs?
Is it just me or do these taste like nuts?
Why did the rapper carry an umbrella?
For when it started RAINING RHYMES.