it's jokes
Boy goes to Confession.
Boy: "What are you doing, Father?"
Priest: "It's called masturbation, and soon you will be doing it."
Boy: "Why do you say that, Father?"
Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired!"
-not my joke
How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.
Don’t you hate it when you are driving in a school zone and the speed bump starts screaming?
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said:
"F*ck off! You won’t bring it back."
I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.
What time would it be if Godzilla came to school? Time to run!
I’ve always been a bit insecure about having thicker thighs.
Now I realize it allows me to fit more scars!
The brain named itself, and when the brain realized that it named itself, it was surprised.
But maybe, it was a spelling mistake and the brain wanted the name Brian. We all have a little Brian in us!
A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing bet of one thousand dollars that their bartender could squeeze a lemon dry until all the juice ran into a glass, and anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried but failed. Over time, weight lifters, lumberjacks, men in the Army, and etc. But still, nobody could do it.
One day, a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "okay," and he grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rhine to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the one thousand dollars and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?" The man simply replied, "I work for the IRS."
What do a gay man and an ambulance have in common?
They both take it in the back and go “whoot whoot.”
A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."
The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"
Husband: “Honey, what’s the difference between a Ferrari and an erection?”
Wife: “ok... what is it?”
Husband: “I don’t have a Ferrari right now.”
If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
Why did the cookie cry?
Because its mom was a wafer too long!
Nothing is lost until Mom can't find it.
It's sad when you sit around waiting for mom to make dinner, and then you realize you are the mom.
Your buzz cut is so bad that the bees buzz around it!
Yo mama so fat that when she went on the scale, it showed her phone number.
Your mama is so fat that when she went to the scale, it said, "No elephants allowed!"
Wife: I will leave you if you call me fat again.
Husband: Wait, dear... Don’t do it for the sake of our kid!
Wife: Kid?
Husband: Yeah, aren’t you pregnant?