it's jokes

A guy told a beautiful girl, "Hey, I want to make love to you. If I throw $2000 when you go to pick it up, that's when I'll go. Is that okay?"

She called her husband, and he said, "Okay, but pick it up fast so he doesn't have time to pull his pants down."

Four hours later, she shows up to her house and tells her husband, "THAT FUCKER PAID IN COINS!"

"Babe, is it in?" "Yeah." "Does it hurt?" "Uh-huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."

I know why Asian's eyes are always closed. It's because Americans are so fat and ugly.

Why did the rapper carry an umbrella?

For when he made it RAIN in the club.

What does your mom say when she is working?

Nothing, it's rude to talk with your mouth full.

Why are Americans so shocked when it comes to Mexican drug cartels?

Because none of the drug lords (or their associates, for that matter) have shot up a school.

Michael Jackson and Kelly Clarkson both did shady stuff to children. Michael Jackson said that there is nothing wrong with sharing a bed with unrelated small children. Kelly Clarkson said that there is nothing wrong with physically beating a small child.

The thing is, though, only one of them made "Billie Jean" or "Beat It", and the other is just a typical karaoke country singer. So no surprise people gave Wacko Jacko a pass.

I seriously don't get why people in Alabama are angered that Mexican immigrants are taking their jobs. I mean, it's not like they are preventing your son from giving you a big, fat blow job.

Why does Donald Trump have a fervent crush on the Russian president?

He is Putin his dick where it don't belong!

Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O-negative blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin sister has O-negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, “So when will I die?” She thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.

Have you been to that paraplegic strip club? It's crawling with pussy!

I taped a picture of Bill Cosby to my gun. Now it’s an assault rifle.

What's your mom and a dog got in common?

Both will lick dick if you put peanut butter on it.

How do you get a white girl to suck your dick?

Put ranch dressing on it.

How many babies does it take to change a lightbulb? Well, obviously not 10; my basement's still dark.

My mom asked, "Why are you so depressed? It could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer."

I replied, "I wish I were Tracy Latimer because then someone would kill me."

I just had sex...

I think I nailed it!

(Shit joke, I know.)

How do you know the baby's dead? The dog plays with it more.

You know my first name, but don’t worry about it; you’ll only be screaming my first.

I made a song about a tortilla. Well, it's more of a wrap.