it's jokes

I molested a child today, and it felt quite lovely on my penis! 👍

My life is like a grenade... I pull off the ring and, BOOM, it explodes!

So last night I went on a taxi and I showed them your photo. All they said was I could ride him, it would be expensive though, since from his eyebrows to hairline is at least £100.

You pecan do it!

I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder milk.

I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.

I’d tell you a secret about peanut butter, but you might spread it.

A friend asked what an acorn is.

I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”

The peanut gained confidence and finally came out of its shell.

If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it a la mode.

The nut is so solid, it’s peanut brittle.

What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?

It becomes a chestnut.

What happens to a nervous nut?

It cracks.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Walnut. Walnut who? I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.

Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?

It was nut funny.

Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?

It went with the traffic jam.

I got arrested because I cremated a guy. They said the guy had been alive when I burned him. I mean, it's an early cremation—what's the difference?

"Let it go, LET IT GO!" Blah blah blah whatever the rest of the song says dun dun blah blah blah my mom never bothered me anyway.

I'm bored 😴 so that's why I sang in my wonderful voice for a few seconds and wasted your time.

On my Tinder profile, I said, "I prefer quality over quantity." I just thought it sounded nicer than saying "no fat birds."

Computers are females because when they're down, you always charge her.