IT jokes
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together!
Why couldn't the bike stand up by itself?
'Cause it was two tired!
Did you hear about the new German microwave? It has ten seats in it.
I was going to tell you a joke about paper, but it was too TEAR-ABLE. HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
I walked up to a cat and started to sing a song. The cat said, "HECK NO!" then ran off. I follow it while still singing "BABY COME HOME TO ME!!"
What do you call a stick with a string on the end of it?
A fishing pole.
On a hot summer's day, a famous celebrity tweeted, "It is a beautiful day, and I'm deciding which kid to have fun with today." To which the local priest replied, "I too am deciding which of your kids to have fun with today."
Pass around the roses, their casket full of hoses, crash it, watch it, the water! OH SHIT IT'S GONNA BLOW!
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
8 jelly tickles!
How many tickles does it take for an octopus to laugh?
Shipmate: Captain, there’s an iceberg and we need to steer around it right now!
Captain: My momma didn’t raise no pussy. Either that iceberg is gonna move or I am.
I've never worn my gay sweater, it hasn't come out of the closet yet.
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
Molly Burke and her mom were on a walk. Molly walked into a bar; her mom laughed and walked under it.
My friend and I joined a french fry eating contest, but I just couldn't ketchup. So we switched to cheeseburgers, but I still couldn't mustard up the speed to lettuce win. I mayo not have thought this through.
So we switched to fruits, but when it got to the watermelons, I started to feel a little green. My friend couldn't seed the point of us continuing anymore. I just couldn't digest the stress, I guess! :D
Mom: Daddy, stop!
Me: No!
Mom: Ok, I just wanted you to do it like your father.
My boy, I think it is about time that I leave this world. Now draw your weapon and kill me now!
*draws a picture of his "epic" sword*
"What... WHAT... WTH ARE YOU DOING SIMPLETON? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF DRAW!"
Suicidal ideation is like wanting to slaughter someone but knowing/feeling that you can't. It's also, in a way, kind of like seeing a really hot chick that you wish you could F, but you again for whatever reason you either feel you can't or you just can't.
What did one butt cheek say to the other? “Between you and me, it stinks in here!”
A pirate walks into a bar and has a ship's wheel in his pants.
The bartender asks, "What's with the wheel in your pants?"
The pirate replies, "Yarrr! It's drivin' me nuts!"