IT jokes

HOLY CRAP!!!

Crap with holes in it.

Get it? HOLE - Y?

Why did the Titanic and the iceberg hate each other?

Because the Titanic hit it.

A man needs to leave for a lengthy business trip, but his wife is saddened by this. She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine. He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special. The cashier quietly pulls out an old box and removes a wooden penis from inside. The cashier states that the dildo has been passed down in his family for generations and was crafted by a witch deep within the Amazon jungle. The cashier sits up in his chair and shouts, “Voodoo Dick, the door!” The wooden penis flies across the room and begins to rapidly thrust itself in and out of the front door keyhole. “Voodoo Dick, the lamp!” The wooden penis flies up inside of the lamp on the cashier’s desk, and once again, begins to thrust in and out. “Voodoo Dick, return to your box!” The wooden penis flies back into the box, and the cashier closes the lid. The man chooses to buy the wooden penis, and just as he is about to leave, the cashier tells him a very important bit of information regarding the Voodoo Dick: “The cursed dildo can only be controlled through verbal commands; it is far too powerful to be moved by hand,” says the cashier. “You must never forget that!” The man nods and heads home.

Later that day, the man explains to his wife how the sex toy works, and then leaves for his trip. A few days later, the wife becomes very horny and opens up the box. She proceeds to shout, “Voodoo Dick, my pussy!” The dildo zooms into her vagina and pleasures her for roughly 6-8 hours. She soon begins to grow tired and attempts to pull the dildo out of her. She pulls as hard as she can, but just can’t get it out. The wife panics and begins driving to the hospital with the wooden penis still inside of her vagina. A police officer pulls her over for speeding and asks to see some identification. The wife exclaims, “Help, help, there is a Voodoo Dick inside of my vagina, and it won’t come out!” The officer raises an eyebrow in disbelief. “Voodoo Dick my ass!” The Voodoo Dick then flies out of the woman's vagina and inside the officer's ass. The officer says, “WHAT THE HELL! GET THIS THING OUT OF MY ASSHOLE!” The woman laughs and replies, “Thanks, officer,” and turns around and goes home.

I was gonna tell a joke about a dead fetus, but I decided to abort it.

There was a car accident, and the cops pull up to the crime scene to start asking people questions. The police started talking to a blonde lady and said, "What happened here?" She responded by saying, "A car crash." They then asked, "But how did it happen?" She responded, "The cars crashed into each other." They finally said, "But why did it happen?" The lady said, "Oh, I know where you're going with this. It happened because when cars push on the gas pedal, the car goes forward, and they both pushed it, so they both went forward and hit each other." One cop said, "Never mind, ma'am," and they started walking away.

The blonde lady then said, "Oh, and officers, my computer froze. Do you think I should put it in the microwave or in the oven?"

I was gonna do a school shooter joke, but it was aimed at younger audiences.

Why do they call priests "father?" Because it's too suspicious to call him "daddy!"

Morbid jokes are just like girlfriends. Not everyone gets it.

No means no, but if you use chloroform, it’s a guaranteed yes.

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.

But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!

What's the difference between a little boy and a freezer?

The freezer doesn't scream when you put your meat in it.

Why is it that when women decide to kill an unborn baby, it's a "CHOICE," but when I decide to drive my F-150 into a playground full of kids, it's called "MURDER"!

I really want to beat the living daylights out of you, but it's not worth getting the wooden spoon for garbage.

My sister gives her hamster to my brother since she thinks I'm irresponsible, so I throw it out the window.

What animal has more lives than a cat?

A frog. It croaks every night.

A squirrel walks up to a tree and says, "I forgot to store acorns for winter, so now I am dead!" Haha, it is funny because the squirrel gets dead.

I don’t believe in reincarnation now, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.

—Shane Richie, British actor

Sleep, but make it forever.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends how hard you throw them.

What is the difference between a retard and a zombie anyway?

They’re always hungry and shuffle around aimlessly, moaning... Oh, and it takes a bullet in the forehead to put them both down.

Uh!!!