Instead

Instead jokes

Wish

    • Trump and two of his friends are stranded on an island with no internet connection and no way of getting home. As they frantically run around the island trying to get a signal so Trump can call his private helicopter to come and pick them up, Trump’s wig falls off and lands on a magical lamp, from which suddenly appears a genie. As Trump replaces his wig, the genie announces that he will grant each man one wish for freeing him.

    The men stop to confer. The first one says he will wish for a plane to rescue him, the second wishes for a boat to rescue him and they tell Trump to wish for a helicopter to rescue him. Trump, being Trump, nods and says yes, but he wasn’t really listening. Then they approach the genie. The first one of Trump’s friends wishes for a plane to rescue him, as agreed. The second one of Trump’s friends wishes for a boat to rescue him, as agreed. Then Trump is left all alone, but instead of wishing for a helicopter to rescue him, as agreed, he says, “Aww, I’m lonely now. I wish both my friends were here with me!”

  • 6

    • Orphanage

    • A missionary went to visit an orphanage in Thailand. After looking around, he asked the manager, "Why do these kids have numbers instead of names on their shirts? And why are some of them the same?"

    The manager smiled and said, "Those are price tags."

  • 1

    • Santa

    • My dad told me Santa was black, so instead of cookies and milk waiting for him when he came down the chimney, he got cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.

  • 2

    • Moment

    • Quote for the day.

    I looked this quote up, but it really is a good thing, just for starters.

    "Sometimes you will never know the VALUE of a moment until it becomes a MEMORY."

    Also, loving is so much more to give instead! Always remember to love!!! Best-Gwen :)

    Instead memes

    Street

    • I went to find someone to fuck in the streets for money, and I found a prostitute, but then she raped me. After she said it was amazing and instead let me push.

  • 1

    • Smurf

    • A man was mowing his lawn when blue and red stuff came out instead of grass. Next thing he knew, a smurf was on his shoulder asking if he’s seen his friend.

  • 2

    • War

    • You will never see a redneck opposing a war.

    He will instead say, "Wait, I get to kill people and it's not illegal? And they're foreigners?"

  • 1

    • Moron

    • Really gotta love all the morons who, instead of sharing irreverent dark jokes, say the stupidest shit pertaining to Christianism.

  • 1

    • Dick

    • How do you know when you should tell a heterosexual woman to stop sucking your dick?

    When there is blood coming out of your dick instead of sperm.

  • 0

    • Mom

    • Your mom is just like Rapunzel, but instead of letting down her hair, she lets everyone down! OHHHHH!

    Owner

    • A fat man coming in the store.

    Waiter: Oh god, not again :|

    Fat man: Hi, I would like three fries and 19 burgers.

    Waiter: Sorry sir, you will get the owner's store out of stock on food. Can I get you a salad instead?

    Fat man: Oh sorry, but I'm the owner, and I have a lot of stocks. For the record, you should get yourself my order. You're skinny af, girl. You trying to be a stick or something?

  • 1

    • Homeless Man

    • I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

    I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

    "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

    "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

    "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

    "Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

    "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

    "Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

    The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

    I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

  • 4

    • Hello

    • When did “yo” mean Hello?

    They are so different, how did they come to mean the same thing? Did someone just walk up and accidentally say “llo” instead of hello and people were just like “what did you say?” and the man being embarrassed just made up a story and say “oh, I said yo, which means hello in my original language."