Instead jokes

Your mom is just like Rapunzel, but instead of letting down her hair, she lets everyone down! OHHHHH!

A fat man coming in the store.

Waiter: Oh god, not again :|

Fat man: Hi, I would like three fries and 19 burgers.

Waiter: Sorry sir, you will get the owner's store out of stock on food. Can I get you a salad instead?

Fat man: Oh sorry, but I'm the owner, and I have a lot of stocks. For the record, you should get yourself my order. You're skinny af, girl. You trying to be a stick or something?

You are so fat that the waiter said to you every time: "Sorry for your weight" instead of "Sorry for the wait."

Don't break girls' hearts. Break their legs instead. They're two.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

Why do you like cream instead of bugs?

Because bugs can kill you.

I went to school with a gay guy who was really smart, but he always got mad that he got straight A's instead of getting all the D's.

It would just be easier to be a gay guy, instead of a gender-fluid bisexual.

Lol, the Twin Towers ordered a drop in from Pizza Hut, but instead they got a hot and ready from Jet's.

Why were the Twin Towers mad?

Because they got plane pizza instead of cheese!

My dad told me and my sister to stop arguing, so I threw her out the window instead.

Jimmy Savile should have presented Pop off the Tops instead of Top of the Pops.

One day a couple was walking when the man stepped on something hard and squishy, then they heard a sound from the bushes. Instead of looking down, they both ran.

Two years later, they turned on the TV to find Ted Bundy on trial. They asked him if he has ever been caught. He said, "No, but a couple was walking as soon as I killed a girl. I jumped into a bush. They didn't know I was there, but the man stepped on the dead body but didn't look down, then he and his girlfriend ran."

What is the difference between an orphan and Pokemon?

People choose Pokemon.

This name makes me want to close season instead of open it.

In Africa, a koala and a kangaroo were very thirsty. The kangaroo said that when they have no water, they dig a hole and water comes out of it. Then the kangaroo dug, and in one minute the koala asked if there was any water. The kangaroo said no, and the koala had to wait for many minutes. Soon water came out of the hole, and then the koala jumped into the hole and drank water. The kangaroo wanted water too, so he tried to pull out the koala, but instead, his tail got chopped off, and then they never became friends again.

Those poor kids at Sandy Hook, all they wanted was books. Instead, they got magazines.

The Twin Towers ordered Domino's, what did they get instead?

What will die immediately instead of having to suffer torture on the spike of a Judas cradle? A Geometry Dash icon.

Yo momma so slutty, she did a mukbang video with dicks instead of food.