Instead jokes
My dad told me Santa was black, so instead of cookies and milk waiting for him when he came down the chimney, he got cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.
I downloaded Fruit Ninja so I can cut fruit instead of myself.
Why was the Pakistani bomber angry? Since he got a pepperoni instead of a plain [pizza].
A guy was in one of the Twin Towers and he ordered pepperoni pizza, but he didn't get it. He got a plane instead.
True story: my math teacher Mr. Ueberoth accidentally marked a Kahoot as 100 points in Google Classroom instead of 10. If he doesn't find out, the grades will be more hyperinflated than Zimbabwe's economy.
What do you call a cat with two legs instead of four?
Dead and without use, that's what I feel like.
When Michael Jackson died, people melted him down into Lego pieces so that little kids could play with him instead.
Fatty told Skinny, "Do you have any food? My stomach is empty and I haven't eaten."
Skinny replied to Fatty, "Well, doesn't seem like you need food, you ate the whole universe instead!"
Why don't communists like Microsoft? Because it's Minecraft instead of ourcraft.
I was asked at school to draw a line across the paper, but instead I showed them my wrists.
I saw an emo orphan by a tree, and I was going to give it a high-five, but instead I just let it hang.
Two Chinese men walk into a bar.
"Owwwwwwwwwww," they say instead of "ouch."
Instead of Obama, it was supposed to be Osama. Pretending I got their names mixed up.
You know the Twin Towers employees were supposed to meet a good football team. Instead, they just met the Jets.
The kids at Robb Elementary School went in to read books. Instead, they got dozens of magazines.
A guy asked me what I do for a living.
Now I'm not old enough to get a job, so I said nothing. He asked me again, so I said, "Your wife!" The guy goes to slap me, but his wife is standing right there. She instead slapped me and said, "You swore not to tell!"
Why do Indian people have bad tempers? Because when they were growing up, their parents told them they couldn't have a cow, so they threw a tantrum instead.
I'm sorry your dad beat you instead of cancer.
This dad went out hunting, he killed a deer. He came home and he and his wife decided to have it for dinner but not tell their kids. Instead, they made them guess. The dad said, "It's something that daddy calls mommy." The little girl yells to her brother, "Don't eat it! It's an ass!"
Bro's chin looks like it's from that movie cartoon named Kronk. No wonder he got stung by a bee and took an ibuprofen to reduce the pain, but instead it grew longer.