INS jokes
My favorite toast for parties: May I be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows I'm dead.
There is a young man smoking and a woman in a wheelchair. The woman says, "Why is a young man like you smoking?" The man turns around and says, "Why the fuck are you wearing trainers?"
I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.
The priest is in jail now.
Once upon a time, there was a magician named Daniel. He usually did gigs for children, and this time he was working at a kid's birthday party. He walked in and said, "Hi boys and girls, my name is Daniel." He performed multiple tricks, each one amazing the children. Then, he said, "And for my final trick; I will disappear!" He lifted up a blanket and when it fell down he was gone.
Then, the birthday boy said, "Hey, he's like my dad."
"Really?" asked a little girl.
"I guessed?" he said back, "My dad wasn't a magician, but he disappeared. I haven't seen him since...."
Snow White and the six Dwarfs, Sneezy was caught by covid-19 quarantine!
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? -- The tea bag stays longer in a cup.
A slag is like the first piece of bread in a loaf. Everyone touches it, but nobody wants it.
What do you call a dad in the mirror?
(Your imagination.)
Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive!
When I saw a girl sitting on the ground crying, I asked her where her parents were. She cried louder. That’s why I like to volunteer in an orphanage.
If a man drove over a woman, whose fault was it? The man, because he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.
I've just started a new business making people breathe in large amounts of helium. They all speak very highly of it.
What do the mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.
What's one of the worst motivational things to say to a suicidal person?
“Hang in there!”
I wonder if [I] would have rekt Hitler in a 1v1 build battle in Fortnite.
The teacher asked the class what sound does a cow make? "Mooo," said Sally. "Good job," said the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?" "Baa," said Jack. "Good, now what sound does a pig make?" Little Johnny raised his hand really high in the sky. The teacher called on him. He said, "The pig says, 'Get on the ground and put your hands on your head, you black motherfucker.'"
What do turtles and lesbians have in common?
They both choke on plastic.
Who works at IHOP? A girl with one leg.
P1: Why did the chicken cross the road?
P2: To get to the other side DUH?!?
P1: No dumbass, it's to get run over because he has depression, a chronic illness, and his father left him for a good for nothing pimp that doesn’t even give a shit about how he feels. (Kinda like me).
P2: Holy shit are u ok? *Some random eavesdropping fucker dials 911 in a hurry*
Santa was asked to describe Mrs. Claus in three words. His response was, "Ho ho ho."
Location is in London by the way.
One day a fatass came home and told his friend that he lost money.
His friend: "Oh for once you lost some pounds!"