INS jokes
Why can't Jordan moan? Because his parents are in the room next to him. Asleep.
I like my women like I like my coffee.
Without other people's dicks in it.
What did one alligator say to the other alligator?
"Let’s go for an all-in-one buffet!"
What's the hardest thing about being a pedophile?
Just trying to fit in.
A man got in a bad car accident. He was at risk of losing his arm. The doctors had to perform complicated surgery on his arm. The man's wife visited after the surgery. The doctor came up to her and said:
"I have good news and bad news."
The wife said: "What's the good news?"
"We managed to save his arm."
"What's the bad news?"
"We couldn't save the rest of him."
The toilet paper tried to cross the road. He couldn't because he was stuck in a crack.
This is my fidget spinner, I got it in my Easter basket.
Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.
Why did potassium draw a tear that would result in him crying?
Because all of his friends argon.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
The 9/11 victims, they went through 700 stories in 10 seconds.
One day I saw my friend in a hospital bed. He told me to call 911. Instead, I called his parents.
What is Stephen Hawking best at in basketball?
dribbling.
This guy walked into a pizzeria and ordered a water. The owner called him an idiot.
His girlfriend walked in and ordered a pineapple pizza.
The guy left her, and the owner made her leave.
Who are the fastest readers?
911 victims, they went through 72 stories in less than 10 seconds.
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out. The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him. The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!” The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
How did they know that Princess Diana had dandruff?
They found her Head and Shoulders in the glove box.
The greatest doctor, smartest man, young geek, and inspiring preacher are on a plane. The pilot dies of a heart attack and is confirmed by the doctor. But, there are only 3 parachutes on the plane. The doctor takes one and says,
"People need me for my excellent medicine!" and jumps out. The smart man grabs one and shouts,
"People are in need of my great knowledge!" and jumps out. There is only one more parachute on the plane. The preacher says to the geek,
"You are too young. Take the final parachute and go." The geek instead says,
"No, there are two parachutes left, the 'smart' one took my backpack."
My grandfather never threw anything away, bless him. He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade.
When your crush walks in class but you're homeschooled...
Bosses are like seagulls.
They fly in, make a lot of noise, crap all over everything, then fly out.