Infant jokes

What's stiff and 6 inches long?

SIDS.

What's more fun than nailing a baby to the floor?

Ripping it off with a kick!

What's the difference between an apple and a dead baby?

I don't jizz on an apple before eating it.

I make baby mush.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Well, it depends how hard you can throw.

What's cold, blue and makes women cry?

Cot death.

You can't call yourself a baby boomer if you have never detonated an infant.

"Knock knock!"

"Who's there?"

"Baby!"

"Baby who?"

"Do you want to eat this baby that I have prepared?"

"No thanks, I already ate."

What do you call a baby on the battlefield?

Free shield!

How do you make a baby survive a fall of over 300 metres?

I don't know. I've dropped dozens off the Empire State Building and none have lived.

Q. What's the difference between a baby and a bale of straw?

A. I got arrested last time I speared a baby with a pitchfork.

What's the difference between a newborn baby and an orphan after a rugby match?

They both come out bloody and crying, but at least one gets picked up.

What’s the difference between a dumpster full of dead babies and a Lamborghini?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

What's the difference between a pair of jeans and an African baby?

A pair of jeans only has 1 fly.

What did the 1.8 nanosecond old baby get for his birthday?

Nailed to a puppy falling on a buzz saw being crushed in a hydraulic press while being set on fire.

Person 1: Why did you put the baby feet first into the blender?

Person 2: To see his facial expression. Why else?

How many babies does it take to paint a wall? One, you just need to throw it hard enough.

My infant drew on the walls today, but I don’t know how to punish them. So I think I’ll sleep on it.

What's worse than throwing a baby off a cliff?

Catching it with a pitchfork.

What's worse than five babies stapled to one tree?

One baby stapled to five trees.