Infant jokes
Q. What's the difference between a baby and a bale of straw?
A. I got arrested last time I speared a baby with a pitchfork.
How do you make a baby survive a fall of over 300 metres?
I don't know. I've dropped dozens off the Empire State Building and none have lived.
How many babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
More than 10, since my basement's still dark.
Q: What do you call a baby in a vegetative state?
A: A tater tot.
Q. What's red and pink and spins around really fast? A. A baby in a blender.
Q. What's the biggest cause of infant drownings? A. Postpartum depression.
What's the difference between a sheet and a baby?
One of them is really loud when you iron it.
If a baby dies in the womb, is it considered suicide?
Where do babies get baptized?
So the priest can wash their sex toys.
What is red and cries and spins around and around?
- A baby in a microwave.
What's 2ft long, blue, and stiff and keeps a woman up all night?
Cot death.
How do you stop a baby from crying?
You drown it.
What did the deaf, dumb, blind, paraplegic, autistic baby get for Christmas? AIDs.
Guess what? I have a baby in ten trashcans.
My 2 year old Asian baby cant do calculus Look who in sweatshop now
What's the difference between a baby and a bowling ball?
A bowling ball doesn't cry when you put your fingers in it.
I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was next to a crying baby.
Evidently that doesn't work if the baby is yours.
Why can't you fool an aborted baby?
Because it wasn't born yesterday.
What is red, pink, and goes round and round?
A baby in a blender.
What is green, brown, and goes round and round?
The same baby 3 weeks later.
What does a gas grenade and a baby have in common?
They both squeal when you throw them.