Infant jokes
What's the difference between a sheet and a baby?
One of them is really loud when you iron it.
If a baby dies in the womb, is it considered suicide?
Where do babies get baptized?
So the priest can wash their sex toys.
What is red and cries and spins around and around?
- A baby in a microwave.
What's 2ft long, blue, and stiff and keeps a woman up all night?
Cot death.
How do you stop a baby from crying?
You drown it.
What did the deaf, dumb, blind, paraplegic, autistic baby get for Christmas? AIDs.
Guess what? I have a baby in ten trashcans.
My 2 year old Asian baby cant do calculus Look who in sweatshop now
What's the difference between a baby and a bowling ball?
A bowling ball doesn't cry when you put your fingers in it.
I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was next to a crying baby.
Evidently that doesn't work if the baby is yours.
Why can't you fool an aborted baby?
Because it wasn't born yesterday.
What is red, pink, and goes round and round?
A baby in a blender.
What is green, brown, and goes round and round?
The same baby 3 weeks later.
What does a gas grenade and a baby have in common?
They both squeal when you throw them.
So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”
What's the difference between a newborn baby and an orphan after a rugby match?
They both come out bloody and crying, but at least one gets picked up.
How are infants and chocolate alike? They'll both kill your dog.
What is more fun than throwing a baby off a cliff?
Catching it with a pitchfork.
what's worse than a baby in a trash can? A baby in two trash cans.
What do you call a baby on the battlefield?
Free shield!