Im jokes

I would name my daughter Awesome so I can tell people that I'm fucking awesome.

What would you find on a haunted beach?

A sand-witch!

"Hey guys, I'm a new jokester, remember my name as I'll be making a lot more!!! P.S. They will be much better than this one!"

This one kid never stands up for the pledge of allegiance, and I'm tired of it.

Today, I push him out of his wheelchair.

I'm gonna jump to my death.

Don't worry. I won't jump far.

Just off this chair here...

My mom told me a joke she made 13 years ago, but she didn't tell me what it was... Anyways, I'm turning 14 next month.

Two horses are standing in a field. "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse," says the first.

"Moo!" says the second.

I'm so mad I got arrested for rape, even though the girl never said no. The prosecution said she was mute, but how was I supposed to know? She never told me.

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I'm pretty sure that 9/11 was the biggest game of Jenga ever recorded in history.

Guess what song this is from:

"I'll cut you into little bitty pieces,

Or freeze you till your blood runs cold,

Or stab your till' you heart stops pumping.

I'm here to realize your wish from what I'm told."

My friend said he wanted to die, and I told him not to jump. But when he screamed, "Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!" I knew it was over.

Saying I'm sorry and I apologize are basically the same thing... except at a funeral.

Nurse: Don't worry, I'm great with babies. Parents: You are? Nurse: Yeah, I always abort them. Parent:... Parent: You're hired.

I'm at my happiest point in life. I'm dating someone that's autistic, and I was just saying I needed someone special in my life.

I'm such a perfectionist that I can't even fail an autism test.

I was setting a voice recognition password for my new phone, and a dog nearby barked and ran away. Now I'm still looking for that dog to unlock my phone.

My friend group is pretty diverse. I'm Japanese, one friend is Filipino, one is American, one is Italian, and the last one is German.

Out of everyone in the friend group, the Filipino and the American were the quickest to feel uncomfortable when I asked, "Who wants to go on a march with me?"

Male Patient: So I just pull my pants down and bend over for my prostate exam.

Doctor: Yup.

Male: Ok I'm ready....hey doc that doesn't feel like a finger.

Doctor: He he yeah...im not a doctor.

I'm in jail for 5 minutes and I already got fucked 15 times. You don't have any idea how much I hate playing Monopoly with my dad.

Old man goes to the doctor.

The doctor says, "The test results are back, and I'm sad to say you have cancer and Alzheimer's."

The old man says, "Phew! At least it's not cancer!"