If jokes
If an orphan takes a photo... Well done! It's a family photo!
You couldn't spit out a good sentence, even if you ate a bowl of alphabet soup.
Q: What do you do with a sick chemist?
A: If you cannot helium, you have to curium. If you cannot curium, you have to barium!
If you eat a clock, then does that mean you’ve consumed time?
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Tell her to slow down and use lubricants.
Miss Drake, can I go to the bathroom? I need to piss.
"Billy, we don't say piss. We say urinate. Do you understand?"
"Yes, Miss Drake."
"Very well. Now use the word urinate in a sentence."
"Miss Drake, urinate, but if you had any tits you'd be a ten."
Me: Hey, how are you?
Depression: I'm doing fine. We are just looking for a home :3
Insomnia: Mommy, can we get a home?
Anxiety: Insomnia, wait for mommy to finish.
Depression: Anyway, here is my resume!
Me: Okie, thank you. Ok... mhmmm... WOW! Okie, this is a nice resume! (Didn't Read it...)
Depression: Also, I have two more friends that want to move in too!
Me: Ok, and their names?
Depression: Their names are: PTSD and Trauma!
Me: Ok, they seem fine (Doesn't know about them)
Depression: Okie, here is the money (a penny :(). Thank you, we will call you if we need anything.
Me: Ok, see you soon! :3
Me now hates my life. :)
They can't say no if they're unconscious.
Q. If I go 1 on 1 with Harvey Weinstein, I won't get raped?
A. I'm not a 14-year-old girl.
Why are girls and rocks so alike?
If they're flat, they get skipped.
Cashier: "Will you want the milk in a bag today, sir?"
Customer: "I’ll just keep it in the carton if you don’t mind."
How does a gay man trick a heterosexual man into giving him a blowjob?
The gay man asks the heterosexual man if he wants to give him a "brojob."
A project manager, a mechanical engineer, and a computer scientist are on a road trip through the mountains. As they're going down a pass, the brakes suddenly fail. The car goes off the road and crashes down into the valley. A bit dazed, the three of them get out.
The project manager says, "Well, the best thing to do is to have a meeting and assess the situation."
The mechanical engineer replies, "Nonsense, I have my pocketknife, I'll fix the brakes with that."
Then the computer scientist comes along and says, "Why make it so complicated? Let's push the car back up the road, get in, and see if it happens again."
How do you know if someone is anorexic? You toss them a onion ring and see if they eat it, or use it as a hula hoop.
ssundee: "If this video gets to 100k likes, I'll post part 2."
SSUNDEE WIFE: "SHUT THE #### UP!"
I was walking down the street when I saw this dude just vibing. He was telling every guy that walked by if his dick was bigger than theirs, they have to give him 50 bucks.
Long story short, I walked away with 100 bucks that day.
Friend 1: I don't want to jump.
Friend 2: Me neither.
Murderer: If you don't jump, I'll stab you.
Friend 1: *jumps*
Friend 2: *jumps*
Murderer: I didn't mean off the building!
Friend 1: I know that. I just pretended to jump to get rid of that guy.
Even if there were no gravity, I would still fall for you...
Even if there was no gravity, I'd still fall for you.
If anyone's gonna be fuckin' my sister, it's gonna be ME!