Identity jokes
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his driver (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
“I have an idea, boss,” his driver said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the driver's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The driver gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the driver fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my driver, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
I asked what LGBTQ stands for, and I couldn’t get a straight answer.
A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him. Everyone else in the room stops to listen:
Man: Hello? Woman: Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman: I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000. Man: Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market... they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man: I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman: OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man: I love you to.
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
The man turns around and says: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
What do you call a fat transgender midget?
Jigglypuff.
What do the Twin Towers and genders have in common?
There used to be two, but now it's a sore subject.
Memes
Looking in the mirror, I don’t need a therapist, god damn, I wanna be a terrorist.
What’s another term for a lesbian?
A vagetarian.
What do you call two lesbians in a closet?
A liquor cabinet.
What were the emo kid's pronouns?
Was/were.
Dad: Ok son, if you fail this test, you're no longer my child, ok?
Son: Ok dad.
AFTER TEST
Dad: Hey son, how'd the test go?
Son: Son?
Q: Why did the trans man only eat salads?
A: Because he is a "herbefore."
Why do trans women go by she/her?
Because if they went by her/she, they'd be Hershey's.
What do you call an orphan taking a selfie?
... family photo.
I'm a gay depressed person. Would that make me a happy unhappy person?
Why can't orphans be gay? Because then they would be home-osexual.
Me: You stupid. Guy: You straight. Me: Sorry, I'm not a mirror.
Why can't an orphan be gay? They have no one to call "daddy."
Why can’t orphans be gay?
They have nobody to call "daddy" 😔
I would like to die like my Islamic father, in his sleep, but not like the rest of the people in the plane or those in those identical towers.
When you look at the sun, it's like looking at me.