Man with cancer: How much time do I have left?
Doctor: Ten.
Man: Weeks? Months? Days?
Doctor: Nine, eight, seven...
I'm going to start taking confetti with me to therapy so when my therapist asks me, "How are you?" I can say "sad" and toss the confetti everywhere. It'll be like a real-life iMessage!
How many innocent succulents have been brutally killed by people trying to cure their depression?
[concert] SINGER: How's everyone doin' tonight? CROWD: Woo! ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): It's actually been a tough few months.
All I wanna do is *gunshots* *gunshots* *gunshots* and *click* *cash register noise*, unlearn years of trauma and maintain healthy habits and fulfilling relationships while learning how to have solid boundaries and a whole sense of self.
I asked my dog this morning how her week's been going--she said "ruff." I feel her, you know? I feel her.
Kid 123, how's downline Orphan what? Home! 😂😂😂😂😂 Sorry.
How I Punch my Brother: Wooden Sword.
How he is telling Dad: Diamond Sword.
How hard my Dad is gonna punch me: Warden Punch.
How do cows get there milk the moo market
Me: GUYS GUYS I CAN STOP 9/11.
My friend: How?
Justin: Justin!
How do you blindfold an Asian? String!
How do women make you a millionaire?
When you're a billionaire.
How many dicks can fit inside of a hooker? I don't know, ask your wife.
I saw your mom at work the other night. She was talking about how good she was doing.
Hands down, best $20 blowjob ever.
How many hookers fit in a Cadillac?
About 4 in the trunk if you stack 'em right.
How many alter boys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Depends on how dark the priests have basement
How to tell if you're depressed? You came to a website called "worst jokes ever.com" looking for a quick smile.
How do you know the hooker killed herself?
She sniffed the line off the dresser you said not to touch.
The suicide hotline didn't even give me advice on how to kill myself. Not helpful at all.
How do you tell if someone is depressed?
The brains on the wall.
