Hows jokes
How do poets say hello?
Hey, haven’t we metaphor?
How do oysters call their friends?
On shell phones!
How do you confuse a fish?
Put it in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner!
I don't like 9/11 jokes because they always talk about how bad of a plane driver my dad is.
How does Stephen Hawking get clean?
He uses Tesco car wash.
A guy bought an AMG and crashed it. Now he knows how the Mercedes bends.
How did Stephen Hawking die?
Someone pulled his ethernet cable (he died of a blue screen)!
Roses are red, Violets are blue, How many bananas can I fit, Maybe two?
How's it going @#$!
How do you make a baby astronaut sleep?
You rock-it!
How do inmates keep in touch?
They have cell phones.
How many emos does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just sit in the dark and cry.
Puerto Rican teen: I'm a waste, a failure, NUNCA LO PODRA ASER (I'll never be able to do it).
The mother: AI NINO (OH CHILD).
The teen: QUE? (WHAT?)
The mother: NO TE PONGA CON ESTA MIELDA OTRAVES! (DON'T START WITH THIS SHIT AGAIN!)
The teen: I CAN'T DO SHIT RIGHT MAMA!
The mother: OOOHHH YEAH WELL TU SI PUEDES ABLAR MIELDA DE TI, I BOTAR BASURA! (YOU SURE CAN TALK CRAP ABOUT YOURSELF AND THROW OUT THE TRASH.)
The teen: QUAL (WHICH).
The mother: MADRE DE DIOS (MOTHER OF GOD).
The teen: AVIA UNA NEGRA I OTRA BLANKA (THERE WAS A BLACK ONE AND WHITE ONE).
*A phone buzzes.*
The teen: Whose phone is that, ma?
Unknown: MR. PRESIDENT IF YOU TAKE AWAY THE CONFEDERATE FLAG HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHO THE BAD WHITE PEOPLE ARE?
*Runs to bag, opens white one and sticks hand in.*
The teen: HAIR GEL
To master puns, you got to relish them first. That's how I must(ar)d it. Who knows, maybe you will ketchup to my level.
Caesar went to the future only to see how the Romans forgot Julius Caesar but only made a salad... I think it would have been better if Caesar stayed dead.
It's sad how families can be torn apart from something as simple as wild dogs.
Twin: Hey twin, how's it going?
Twin 2: Weird, twin. Bye.
Twin: Not funny, dude.
How old is a blue plane?
Blue.
How do goldfish know when to eat?
They don't. They have a memory span of 3 seconds.
A surgeon loses his job as he botched a surgery.
boss: "We have to let you go."
surgeon: "I protest innocence."
boss: "How?"
surgeon: "I thought doing your job and saving people's lives were two different things."
boss: "Get out!"