Hows

Hows jokes

Peadophile

    • How does a peadophile help a kid with maths? He adds the bed, divides the clothes, and multiplies with the whole classroom.

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    • Elephant

    • How do you make an elephant float?

    One elephant, two scoops of ice cream, and a lot of root beer!

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    • Dad

    • My dad came over late at night. He was drunk. He started telling me how useless I was. Then I went to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and stabbed him in the chest 47 times.

    Three minutes later, he died. Now I’m losing my mind and cutting myself.

    Skeleton

    • Friend 1: How can the skeleton tell it was going to rain?

    Me: He could feel it in his bones.

    Friend 1: No, he read the forecast, you fucking idiot!

    Heheh ;3

    Guy

    • Guy is at athletic meet. Asks guy if he is a pole vaulter.

    He replies, "No I am German and how did you know my name was Walter?"

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    • Man

    • This man walks into a bar and says, "How do I get service here?"

    The assistant bar attendant tells him to take a seat as the bartender will be there to serve him shortly. After 2 minutes, the man says this is ridiculous, that he has to wait. The assistant then offers him a bar snack of free nuts, which the man duly eats. Another 2 minutes go by, and the man then says, "OK, I get it, no service of beer, but free nuts," to which the assistant says, "Hell no, the game starts in 10 minutes." Everyone laughs and claps.

    Atom

    • Two atoms were walking on a street. One atom said to the other: "I'm feeling really positive today," and the other replied: "I know. I stole your electron." Then the first atom said "How Ionic."

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    • Quarterback

    • A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game.

    They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

    After the game, the guy asked his girlfriend how she liked the experience.

    "Oh, I really liked it!" she replied, "Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

    Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

    She said, "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I’m like, hellooooo! It’s only 25 cents!"

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    • Super Bowl

    • A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.

    However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.

    So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.

    He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.

    The man replies, “No.”

    The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”

    The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”

    “Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”

    “No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”

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    • Clock

    • Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.

    "These are lying clocks, they tell how many lies a person tells."

    "Oh, cool."

    "This is Mother Teresa’s clock; the clock hasn’t moved because she never lied."

    "Makes sense."

    "This is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."

    "Where’s Trump’s clock?"

    "Oh, we’re using it as a ceiling fan."

    And then I burst out laughing 'cause it’s so true.

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