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Never let an orphan watch Fast and the Furious.

All they will talk about is how great their family is.

A man got pulled over, and the policeman had stepped out and said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

The man said, "I was trying to catch up with the traffic."

The officer said, "There is no traffic."

The man said, "Exactly, that’s how far behind I am!"

How are an emo kid and a hanging child the same?

Depends on who's hanging.

I wanted to bomb a restaurant, so I went in there with a bomb, but the bomb got diffused and did not work.

I asked a person standing nearby. I said, "Hey, do you know how to fix this bomb so I can blow up this place?"

He gave me a book.

It was the Quran.

I said, "What the hell is that?"

He said, "This is the official manual for bomb making."

Girl: How much do you love me?

Me: Count the stars in the sky.

Girl: Aww, it's infinite!

Me: No, just a waste of time.

A teacher walked up to me and said, "How did we get butt cracks?"

I was like 4, so I said, "You had an earthquake on your booty."

Bootylicious lol

A blind woman told her husband someone is coming. He asks how do you know, you can't see. She replies, "I can taste it."

How do you get 50 hungry kids into a box? You put a can of beans in there.

How do you get 50 hungry kids out of a box? You run past with a can opener.

How can you make a woman scream your name when you have sex with her?

Change your name to "Rape."

How many people can you fit in a car?

6 - 3 in the back, 2 in the front, and my nan in the ashtray.