Howe jokes
How did Gertie Gorilla make the Playboy magazine?
She was ape-ril!
How can you tell that a blonde likes you? She only gives three fucking nights in a row.
How do you surprise a blind guy?
Say, "Surprise!"
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
Memes
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
How old do you have to be to drink? Any age.
How does a non-binary ninja kill someone?
They slash them.
A student asked a teacher, "How do you pronounce this word? It's spelled A-L-L-I-E-D."
The teacher was about to answer, but then the student said, "Actually, I know how to pronounce it. I lied!" (allied)
A man and a child walk into a forest.
The kid says, "Um, sir, it's getting dark, and I'm getting kinda scared."
The man says, "Yeah, well, think how I feel. I have to walk back out alone."
How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?
You nail its other hand to the floor.
How do you talk to giants? Using big words.
Jordan, you stupid ass! Addison never bothered you so leave her the FUCK alone! How about this? Get up, go outside, stop being a jackass, and get a fucking life!
What's the difference between a terrorist base and an elementary school?
— Don't ask me. How should I know? I'm just the drone pilot.
If you get out of the shower clean, how does your towel get dirty?
How can a guy do stand up comedy in a wheelchair?
My son's into astromancy asked me how do stars die, so I told him, "Usually on overdose, son."
How do you recycle a condom? Turn it inside out and shake the f *ck out of it!
Me explaining to the school nurse that ice can't cure everything.
Nurse: hOW DaRe yOu OpPosE mE mORtAl!
How do you trap a shape? You use a trapezoid.