Home Jokes

Why did the doorbell have a good sense of humor?

Because it got everybody's pokes!

Used to laugh at Michael Jackson for wearing gloves and a mask...

Yet here I am, stuck at home in this COVID-19 "Thriller," beating it...

So little Susie came home and said, "Mom, little Johnny showed me his pecker."

And her mom said, "WHAT?!"

And little Susie was like, "Yeah, it reminded me of a peanut." Her mom said, "Oh, because it was so small?"

Susie said, "No, because it tasted salty."

School teacher: "Hey kid, why don't you just go home to your family?"

Orphan: "My family never came back for me."

School teacher: "Your daddy must've really needed that milk."

What cookies did the orphans never try?

Home made cookies!

A tabby cat lies on the floor with a rainbow-colored light beam emanating from its rear. Below the cat, a news banner reads, "BREAKING NEWS: CAT PROTECTS FAMILY FROM A LGBT. Brave cat stopped the LGBT as it entered the home."

Dark jokes are like home. A lot of people don't get it.

One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars. As I lay there, I thought to myself: WHERE'S THE ROOF?

I have so many orphan jokes. I'm afraid most of them won't hit home.

Jonny went to school one day, and later that day his dad got a call saying he needed to pick up his son because he had had sex with a teacher. When Jonny got home, his dad was so happy he went out to the store and bought him a bike. When they bought the bike, Jonny was offered to ride the bike, but he declined it and replied, "My butt still hurts."

There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."

What's red, small, wet, and crawls up your leg?

A homesick abortion.

One time I was at home alone with my dawgy, and I was eating peanut butter. I thought since it's oily, I could use it as a lotion, so I spread it all over my private part. My dawgy came over and started licking the peanut butter off my private part, and my private part got big and hard. Then, white stuff came out of my wee wee, and my dawgy started looking up at me and whining.

And then my daddy came home and saw what I was doing and shouted, "What are you doing?" And I said I was using peanut butter on my private part. Then he said, "Well, let me have a taste." And then he started doing what my dawgy was doing.

Why can’t orphans play baseball? They ain’t got no home to run to.

Why can’t England people play chess? They ain’t got no queen.

At school, Bobby's classmate tells him some depressing stuff. Later that day, Bobby comes home crying and his mom greets him at the door with "Why are you crying?" Bobby says, "Someone said my grandpa died, but when did he die?" His mom looks him straight in the eye and says, "Depends, which one are you referring to?"

A mother and son were in the backyard, and the son finished building a shed. The mother says, "You're the best husband ever."

I hate it when people are at my house and ask, "Do you have a bathroom?" What answer are they expecting? "No, we pee in the yard?"

I tried making an orphan baseball team. It sucked because they couldn’t find home plate.

There were three guys stranded on a desert island. Each was granted one wish by a genie that found them. The first guy said, "I wish to go back home." The second guy says the same, and the third guy said, "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."