Home jokes

I heard that to slow the growth of fire, you use a flame retardant.

So I threw my stupid son in the flames when my house caught on fire!

My friend just got a new house. He told me to make myself at home, so I threw him out. I hate visitors.

Why can’t orphans play baseball?

Because they don’t know where home is.

What time is it when you can drive a house? Time to get a wheelchair.

A mother and son were in the backyard, and the son finished building a shed. The mother says, "You're the best husband ever."

One time I was at home alone with my dawgy, and I was eating peanut butter. I thought since it's oily, I could use it as a lotion, so I spread it all over my private part. My dawgy came over and started licking the peanut butter off my private part, and my private part got big and hard. Then, white stuff came out of my wee wee, and my dawgy started looking up at me and whining.

And then my daddy came home and saw what I was doing and shouted, "What are you doing?" And I said I was using peanut butter on my private part. Then he said, "Well, let me have a taste." And then he started doing what my dawgy was doing.

So I heard Kenny's mom got moved to a nursing home.

He'll probably leave her alone now.

He doesn't eat vegetables.

What is the difference between your girlfriend and your sister?

They're both "sweet home Alabama."

I do consider Johnny Depp to be a victim of domestic violence.

Just like how I consider a children's hospital run by Michael Jackson and a retirement home run by Harold Shipman to be both safe places to be in.

Why is an iPhone X perfect for an orphan? Because it doesn't have a home button.

Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"

Why can't orphans be gay?

They don't have a closet to come out of.

I came home from school one day and told my cat a kid at school said I was an idiot and told me to go kick rocks, so I did, except I kicked him, not the rocks, and I called him the idiot for not moving out of the way.

A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another guy. "What's going on here!?" he exclaims.

The wife replies, "See, I told you he was stupid."

How do you know you broke into a gay man’s house?

They only have a back door.

I know an orphan named Zara, and he has never had homemade food.

Why would an orphan be a good Spider-Man?

Because his parents will be far from home.

I was kicked out of an orphanage kitchen because I yelled, "Hurry up, some of us have homes to get back to."

A: Why are you so sad?

B: I was watching porn, and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

A: Ok, I see, but is that really such a big deal?

B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie!

I was on an orphan's website, but I pressed on his profile and realized he had no home page.