Home jokes

My friend just got a new house. He told me to make myself at home, so I threw him out. I hate visitors.

What time is it when you can drive a house? Time to get a wheelchair.

Why can’t orphans play baseball?

Because they don’t know where home is.

A mother and son were in the backyard, and the son finished building a shed. The mother says, "You're the best husband ever."

One time I was at home alone with my dawgy, and I was eating peanut butter. I thought since it's oily, I could use it as a lotion, so I spread it all over my private part. My dawgy came over and started licking the peanut butter off my private part, and my private part got big and hard. Then, white stuff came out of my wee wee, and my dawgy started looking up at me and whining.

And then my daddy came home and saw what I was doing and shouted, "What are you doing?" And I said I was using peanut butter on my private part. Then he said, "Well, let me have a taste." And then he started doing what my dawgy was doing.

So I heard Kenny's mom got moved to a nursing home.

He'll probably leave her alone now.

He doesn't eat vegetables.

What is the difference between your girlfriend and your sister?

They're both "sweet home Alabama."

I do consider Johnny Depp to be a victim of domestic violence.

Just like how I consider a children's hospital run by Michael Jackson and a retirement home run by Harold Shipman to be both safe places to be in.

Why is an iPhone X perfect for an orphan? Because it doesn't have a home button.

Why can't orphans be gay?

They don't have a closet to come out of.

A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another guy. "What's going on here!?" he exclaims.

The wife replies, "See, I told you he was stupid."

I think my family is racist.

I brought a black girl home, and my wife went crazy and told me to pack my bags, and my kids were upset.

How do you know you broke into a gay man’s house?

They only have a back door.

Why did the doorbell have a good sense of humor?

Because it got everybody's pokes!

Why would an orphan be a good Spider-Man?

Because his parents will be far from home.

I know an orphan named Zara, and he has never had homemade food.

Yo mama is so ugly that your dad has to be drunk to bring her home.

Why don’t orphans know how to use a phone?

Because they don’t know where home is.

A: Why are you so sad?

B: I was watching porn, and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

A: Ok, I see, but is that really such a big deal?

B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie!

I was on an orphan's website, but I pressed on his profile and realized he had no home page.