Him jokes

Me: I asked an orphan where his parents were. I also said that I promised to take him to them.

Orphan: They're dead.

Me: A promise made is a promise kept.

Why did the democrats come out of the closet as assholes after they found out that Rush Limbaugh died? Because they don't fear him anymore.

Huggy Wuggy and Kissy Missy had a baby.

They never gave him a name, so they just played cut the rope with him...

Me: *listening to music under a tree and smiling*

Random person who sees me: Awwww look at him, he looks so so happy ^w^

Me: *actually listening to depressing music that makes me wanna kill and end myself but just smiles to show that everything's gonna be fine even if it won't*

My ex's love for me :(

I still love the dude sadly, but I won't take him back.

An orphan told me people kept bullying him, so I said, "Tell your parents."

A white dad, a priest, and a rabbi all run out a burning school, and the dad says, “What about the kids?” and the rabbi replies to him saying, “Fuck the kids,” and the priest says, “Think we got enough time?”

Why did Timmy throw the clock out the window?

It reminded him of Arnold Clock, the man convicted of knife raping his wife.

Hailey: "Hey Brayden!"

Brayden: "Hey!"

*Music roles around*

*I tell Brayden Hailey likes him*

Brayden: "O_O"

Hailey: *Hides*

So sad </3 xD

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, “Mommy, can little girls have babies?”

“No,” said his mom, “Of course not.”

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, “It’s okay! We can play that game!”

I was at my boyfriend's house, and I thought he was cheating on me. He was on the phone with somebody, and he said he'd be over there soon. So I asked him if I could see his phone. He said no, and then we fought about it until I saw his gun, and because I thought he was lying to me, I shot him, went through his phone, and his friend was still on the phone.

What do you call a person who keeps making jokes about rappers?

An annoying prick whose black dad left him as a kid.

A kid named Billy gets his lunch money stolen at school. The bully later gets his allowance, the lunch money, and his wallet taken by his father.

The father then gets all the money taken from him by the bully’s grandfather along with his own wallet. The grandfather then takes the money and gets it stolen by Billy along with his own wallet.

You know why Hitler wouldn’t drink whisky? Because it made him angry.

I'm happy that I named my dog "I Know What You Did." It's funny to see how much people get scared when I call him.

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology, so I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

John pretended to be a doctor.

Motu came to him. He said, "I lost my hunger."

John brought some samosas for his lunch. Motu ate them. John said, "Your hunger is back!"

Then, Motu said, "I lost my taste."

John said, "Number 1, bring some water." Motu drank it and said, "This is petrol!" John said, "Your taste is back!"

Motu said, "I lost my memory."

John said, "Number 1, bring some medicine." Motu said, "But Number 1 brought water." John said, "Your memory is back!"

Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.

I threw a lamp at an emo kid and told him to lighten the f*ck up.

Ama is a bitch. I want him to die and kill himself.