Him jokes

War

    • Iran: We can beat the USA.

    Japan: You do realize we beat him in Battleship, and he dropped the sun on us.

    Iran: So?

    Japan: Twice!

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    • Suicide

    • Today I gave a blind guy a gun and told him it was a hair dryer. Since I have no fingerprints, the police said it was suicide. I guess you can say I took care of him!

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    • Book

    • A buddy and I checked out some books from a local library. When we returned them, he said, "Your sister works the returns, right?" I told him, "Yes, she does, and she will be here in about five minutes." He said, "Why don’t we put a cookbook in the women’s sports section?" I told him, "I love it!" So I picked out a Reese Witherspoon book.

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    • Donald Trump

    • So Americans strongly worship Donald Trump, eh? Well, let's put that claim to the test by throwing him into the general population of Rikers Island.

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    • Him memes

    Clock

    • Why did Jimmy throw the clock out the window? Because it reminded him of Arnold Clock, the man who knife-raped his wife.

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    • Boss

    • A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast."

    "I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

    She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees.

    After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The... bastard.....used.....coins."

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    • Attention

    • Little Johnny was not paying attention in class, so the teacher told him, "Do you know what happens when you don't pay attention?"

    Little Johnny said, "No, what?"

    She answered, "The principal's office."

    Then little Johnny said, "Hey teach, do you know what it means when you have balls on your chin?"

    The teacher answered, "No, what?"

    "You have a d!ck in your mouth!"

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    • Dick

    • Susie was in her mother's room one night, as her mother was getting ready for bed. She had slipped off her blouse; her boobs, plum and perky. Susie had asked what are those and will I get them? Her mother had said they were boobs and she would grow some in a few years. Her mother told Susie to find her father and say goodnight.

    So Susie left, headed down the hall to the bathroom where her father was showering. Susie knocked on the door, he said come in. He had moved the shower curtain over just a bit. Susie said she loved him, and then seen her father's dick. Shocked, Susie asked her father what that was and if she would get one. Her father said it was a dick, and he said Susie would get it after her mother went to bed.

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    • Dark Humor

    • Kid: "Hey dad, what's dark humor?"

    Dad: "Go walk up to that homeless guy and throw a rock at him."

    Kid: "But dad, I don't have any legs or arms."

    Dad: "Exactly, son."

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    • Friend

    • So the other day my black friend and I were working on a group project. He was so slow so I whipped him to make him faster.

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    • Lie

    • One time this kid came back from school and said, "Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?" And his mom said, "Good news please," and the boy said, "I got 100% on my math test today." and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said, "Now to the bad news, I LIED!"

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    • Teacher

    • The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

    Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”

    The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

    Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

    The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

    Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

    Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

    The teacher sat down and cried.

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