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Him jokes

There was a very lazy person. He saw a banana peel in front of him while he was walking... and he said: “Oh God, protect me from falling!”

My friend and I were at the mall and decided to try on some necklaces. He said, "I think you should get the one over there." I do. I look at my friend and he’s wearing one with a little extra length so you can adjust it. I asked him, "Did you just break away from your owner to upgrade to clothes and shoes?"

Was threatened with legal action off my postman this morning!! I was stood havin a smoke when he asked if my dog bites, I said no. Halfway down my path the dog jumped up and bit him on his testicles!! Screaming out in pain he Said I was a lying bitch cos I told him my dog didnt bite!! Told him mine doesnt!! that wasnt my dog!!!

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    • A blonde starts a new job at a local car dealership when a wealthy gentleman comes in looking for a spacious car for his large family. The blonde is excited as she gets commission, so eagerly shows him the most expensive SUVs.

    The gentleman has a good look around before saying to the blonde, "It looks perfect.... But cargo space?" To which she instantly replied, "Oh, I'm sorry, sir, car only for road."

    I was walking down the hallway at my job when I saw a kid crying.

    I asked him where his parents were, and he kept crying.

    Man, I love working at the orphanage.

    LEGO Ninjago - I like it, okay?

    Which of the ninja would be best for an undercover mission as the person in disguise?

    Kai. He just has to leave his hair down and no one would know it was him. He uses hair gel, as Cole has said a couple times I think, because his hair looks like fire 🔥!

    I asked my now ex-boyfriend why he’s scared of my cat. He said it was because of the scratches on my arm.

    I told him that my cat doesn’t scratch, but he didn’t believe me. He realised what I meant when he noticed I kept hiding my wrist from everyone else.

    (Kinda based on the fact that my ex is indeed scared of cats, and he has been scared of my cat, so yeah 😂)

    A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have 10 left."

    The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?"

    The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."

    Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day.

    Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

    I finally asked my deadbeat dad what makes him happy. His answer? He hasn't gotten back to me.

    What is the difference between the pizza guy and my dad?

    The pizza guy shows up when you call him.

    On Paxomedy channel, I made a video of a Rooster and a dog fighting.

    I needed to know why they were fighting. Once I dug down into the issue, it turned out that the Dog called the Rooster a Cock, and the Rooster laughed and called the Dog a useless Bitch, and that was the beginning of their fight, and weird enough, the Cock won!

    I went to congratulate the winner, but he thought he was insulting me by calling me Zinjathropus, but I said that was a compliment because Zinja was an old skeleton found in Africa, and I am African. I said to the Rooster he shouldn't have fought with the dog just because he called him a Cock. He said that being called a Cock is a compliment, and the fighting was his exercise to toughen up for serious fights with Dogs!

    Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.

    A kid asks his mom what dark humor is.

    She says, “You see that man with no arms, tell him to clap.”

    “But mom, I’m blind!” says the kid.

    “Exactly,” replied the mom.