Him jokes
An alien walks into a bar. There is a guy sitting next to him, and the alien touches his shoulder.
The man says, "Do that one more time and I'll run you over." The alien does it again and gets ran over. They get back in the bar and he touches him again. The man says, "Do that again and I'll chop your dick off." He touches him again. The man pulls the alien's pants down and pulls out his knife. He was astonished at what he found. There was nothing there! He looks up at the alien and looks at his finger and fainted.
My mom told me that she and the owner of a Chinese restaurant made a deal. Now we get free Chinese food. So I ask my mom why do we get free Chinese food? Then my mom said, "I love him long time."
I named my dog "5 miles" so when I walk him, I can say I walked 5 miles.
Random guy: I ran over 5 miles.
My bro said food was cool. So I threw a piece of cool chicken at him. For some reason, he hit me, OOF.
Dad: How was your trip to the park?
Daughter: It was good until the man came along.
Dad: *gasps* Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault, but tell Daddy, what happened?
Daughter: He made my friends go away so it was just me and him... then he took my dress off...
Dad: Oh God, what next?
Daughter: Nothing, that was it.
Dad: Oh, come on! That wasn't exciting, make something up!
My ex's love for me :(
I still love the dude sadly, but I won't take him back.
A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, “Hey mister, it’s getting really dark and I’m scared.” The man replies, “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”
Him: What's the difference between Incestry.com and Ancestry.com?
Her: What?
Him: Nothing, either way you will be dating your cousin.
A black boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”
There was a deaf man. He was deaf. Ha, sucks for him! (sans undertale)
There was a blind man. He was blind. Ha, sucks for him.
So, there was a kid named Bobby, and he was writing notes. He asked his mother, who was on a phone call, "what is one plus one?" She said, "I HATE YOU." Then he asked his brother what is 2 + 2, who was watching a Batman movie, said, "NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU BATMAN!" Then he asked his dad what is 4 plus 4, who was playing football, said, "85 SMACK EM DOWN!" Then he asked his sister 8+8, (she was playing with barbies), and she said, "My buns are burning." Then he went to school and told her teacher the first note he wrote down. The teacher sent him to the principal’s office. The principal yelled, "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!" Bobby said, "NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU BATMAN!" The principal yelled, "HOW MANY SPANKINGS DO YOU WANT?!" Then he said, "85 SMACK EM DOWN!" Then he walked away from the principal’s office and said, "my buns are burning."
"I heard a noise in the basement! I'm gonna go to my friend's house and play Minecraft with him until the noise I heard goes away."
"I heard a noise in the basement. I'm gonna go down there with a bazooka and thirty thousand rounds of pistol ammo and fifty thousand pistols."
Said no horror movie character ever.
And also GTA logic.
Q: How do you get the retard kid out of the tree?
A: Wave at him.
Two guys were walking down the street, and one of the guys told his friend he could talk any blond in the world into giving him a blowjob, any blond!
So the guy bet him 20 bucks and pointed to this cute blond sitting on the side of the road and said, "Alright, let's see it!"
The other guy walks up to the cutie and says, "Hi, my name's Dave, and my doctor just told me that if I didn't get a blowjob from a blond within three hours, the disease I have will kill me in, oh, let's see now, 22 minutes!"
She looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "You mean I could save you from dying right now?" Then she says, "Pull it out!"
Ten minutes later, the two men were laughing and patting old Dave on the back when his friend noticed the blond sitting in the alley bawling her eyes out!
So he walks over to her and says, "I would have thought you would be so happy for saving my friend's life?!"
So she looks up at him just crying her eyes out even worse and says, "I could have saved my dad!"
A white dad, a priest, and a rabbi all run out a burning school, and the dad says, “What about the kids?” and the rabbi replies to him saying, “Fuck the kids,” and the priest says, “Think we got enough time?”
Where in hell is Lee Harvey Oswald now when we need him?
A child has diarrhea and asked his mom for a Viagra. "Why in the world do you want that?" she asked him. He looks at her and says, "Well, that's what you gift dad when his shit won't get hard."
Is Stephen Hawking under warranty? If so, can I bring him back to Currys PC World?
A man gets on a bus and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"