HI jokes
Say this when you answer a spam call...
"Hi, welcome to Bob's Taco Shack and Funeral Home, where yesterday's grief is today's beef."
Hi everyone, today I am taking requests for anything you want me to say.
My wife is pregnant, but when we get to the doctors, something happened...
What happened?
Answer: The husband is pregnant too, with someone else’s baby, not the wife’s baby, but the wife is pregnant with his baby.
Where did the pirate pay his taxes?
Aye, Argh, Sea.
Teacher: Hi class, today we will learn about the song, "London Bridge is falling down, falling down."
Then one student said, "I thought it was 'Twin Towers are falling down, falling down!'"
Memes
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing!
Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots?
He was picking his nose.
Man: Hi, Doc, I have a problem. I take a shit at 6:00 AM every morning.
Doc: What's wrong with that?
Man: I don't wake up until 8:00 AM.
What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?
He wipes his butt.
If somebody gives you lemons, cut them in half and do the juice in his eyes.
Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter? Pretty nuts!
Do you ever wonder why Michael from Halloween likes his mask so much? It's because he ad-Myers it.
What is the difference between a frog and a trombone player?
The frog might be on his way to a gig!
Q: Why did the student eat his homework?
A: Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Why is Stephen Hawking not scared of anyone?
His wheelchair always backs him up.
A boxer talks with his fists.
Stephen Hawking talks with his wheelchair.
A guy asked me what I do for a living.
Now I'm not old enough to get a job, so I said nothing. He asked me again, so I said, "Your wife!" The guy goes to slap me, but his wife is standing right there. She instead slapped me and said, "You swore not to tell!"
How does the skeleton call his friends? With a tele-bone.
If a homeschooled kid shoots his parents, does that count as a school shooting?
What did the pickle say to his friend Rick?
"We are Pickle Ricks!"