Hes jokes

God's racist. He separated light from dark.

Once there was this Whichdoctor. He walked barefoot most of the time, which gave him impressive calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, and the food gave him bad breath, which made him (wait for it) a Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed By Halitosis.

Why did Steven Hawking have no friends?

He couldn’t stand anyone...

Kobe would still be alive if he would have gone to jail for raping that girl.

My grandpa said I was too reliant on technology when he saw me on my phone. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I was trying to poison Santa, but he killed my dad and ate all the cookies! 😤

Jeff asks, "Did you hear about the guy they call the flash?"

Bob responds, "No, I haven't. Do they call him that because he runs fast?"

Jeff replies, "Nah, they call him that because he doesn't wear pants."

Why did the tiger lose at poker?

Answer: Because he was playing with a cheetah.

An orphan made an Instagram. He did not know what that symbol was on the bottom left hand corner.

Three guys are on a plane: one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American. The pilot says, "There is too much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off." So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said, "I have plenty of these where I come from." Then the Asian threw out some rice and said, "I have plenty of these in my country." The American threw out a bomb and said, "I have a lot of these in my country."

The plane crashes anyway, and the three men start to walk away from the crash. As they were walking, they found a boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of burritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy." The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of rice fell out of the sky and shredded all my clothes." The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble. They kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny. The boy said, "MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!"

A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another guy. "What's going on here!?" he exclaims.

The wife replies, "See, I told you he was stupid."

His name rhymes with walking and talking, but he can’t do either.

Freddie Mercury was on top of the music world. That's only the 2nd thing he was a top in.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumeference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

A nucleus walked into a bar. He asked the bartender, “How much for a drink?” The bartender replied, “For you, NO CHARGE!”

*sans*: Why was the skeleton depressed? Because Frisk keeps resetting and it resets when he lost his phone.

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.

He yells, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

I feel bad for the guy in 9/11 who ordered a salami pizza. Instead, he just got a plane.

What happened to the frog that partied illegally?

He got TOAD away!

Why does Santa come down the chimney? Because he knows he isn't allowed to come in the back door.