Jesus takes his disciples to a bar.
"13 pints of water, please," he says to the barman.
"Oh, fuck, not you again," the barman replies.
"You boys are about to see something real special," says Jesus.
Hes Jokes
I was shopping for a halloween costume, but once we got to the ghost section all of the costumes were out of stock! It turned out Pristiano Penaldo was buying them all! I came up to him and asked why he was doing this and he said: I’m sorry, but it’s match day, I must be a ghost 👻👻
I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”
And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.
Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.
But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.
My grandpa is a great hero. He's the one who shot Hitler.
My dad died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.
Why doesn’t Joe Biden visit children with cancer in hospitals?
Because he can’t sniff their hair.
I just heard that the inventor of the autocorrect died the other day.
May he rest in pizza.
My boyfriend accused me of cheating. I told him he reminded me of my girlfriend.
My dad went to go get milk. He came back 7 years later, and we had to send him back because he got the wrong milk.
What is an orphan's dad's job?
A magician because he makes himself disappear.
My cousin asked me, "What do you think was going through Hitler's mind right before he died?"
I told him, "Probably a bullet."
A man found a chest full of gold, so he went to go tell his wife, only to remember why he was digging.
What's Technoblade's favorite show and is the only one he can relate to?
Peppa Pig: Peppa Dies!
Why was the dog stealing shingles?
He wanted to be a woofer.
Why did the orphan become a killer?
Because he knew they would not look for him.
I like telling dad jokes.
He laughs at most of them.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
It was a complete waste of money.
He just stands there applauding and saying, "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."
Your kid is so annoying, he makes his Happy Meal cry.
What did 50 do when he was hungry?
58.
