Hes jokes
Why does Donald Trump have a fervent crush on the Russian president?
He is Putin his dick where it don't belong!
How did the Emo kid bag all the cheerleaders?
He hit them all when he started shooting his shot.
Why was Wacko Jacko willing to write a song for the film Free Willy?
He thought that the film's title was a nice phrase to yell out in primary school playgrounds.
Why did Ten need a therapist? He was in between 9/11.
My friend's dad went to jail. He's just surprised because he can finally find him!
A bus full of ugly people is driving down the street. The bus crashes and everyone goes to heaven. They see Saint Peter, and he feels bad for them and grants them one wish before they go into heaven. The first one says, "I wish to be attractive." The second one says the same.
Meanwhile, the 3rd person in line is giggling and snickering and laughing while Saint Peter is granting wishes. Curiously, he asks why he is laughing. He says, "I was going to wish that they turned ugly again."
What's the difference between a Palestinian and a redneck?
At least the redneck was drunk when he married his cousin.
What’s one thing Obama proved during his presidency?
No matter how far a brotha gets in life, he’s still going to have the cops on his back.
Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.
A child, molester, and priest walk into a bar.
He orders a drink.
The other day I went to a museum. My friend and I went to the Holocaust section, and he got choked up when he saw the Anne Frank picture. I asked him, "Why are you sad? It's just an ashtray."
Why did God create women before men?
He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.
What did the man say to the deaf kid? He said...
I took my friend skydiving once, and he jumped out of the plane without a parachute. Then I remembered he was emo.
What does it mean when a man has a dodgy past? It means he has skeletons in his closet.
What does it mean when a man likes Lana Del Rey better than Ed Sheeran? It means he has a closet full of women's leather pants (but no women in their dating history).
My son told me he has to bring an object for show and tell at school.
So I had him bring my wife.
I think God is cool with abortion.
After all, he did kill his only son.
A rapist, pedophile, and a priest walk into a bar. He orders a beer.
Same person.
I can’t watch anime anymore when my friend’s grandpa is in the house.
He hasn’t heard a Japanese person scream since the war.
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.
The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"